tough love

tough love. it’s a term that was so overused that it seems a little silly today but sometimes, you’ve got no choice but to give people tough love. sometimes, you gotta cut out all the bullshit, stop worrying about how a person will feel or if they’ll get hurt, and just get real and tell it like it is. people will call you a bitch, a bad friend, and god knows what else but let them. as long as you own your words and actions, you never have to apologize for telling people the honest truth as you see it.

we all have had that one friend, that one person who no matter what you tell them, how hard you try to uplift them, no matter the advice or the support you provide them, nothing reaches them. days turn to months turn to years and their situation never improves and they still have the same excuses.

at some point, you have to say enough is enough and stop spending your precious energy on them. you just have to stop!

when you do, they’ll call you a bad friend for abandoning them and completely forget all the times you were there to help them pick up the pieces. still stop.

don’t let proving yourself keep you in a lose lose situation. no friendship is worth that amount of stress.

rest assured in the fact that you tried and that you left when you knew there was nothing else you could do.

know that even in walking away, you are being a good friend because a good friend knows when to tell a friend, enough is enough.

a bad friend will never tell you a thing to steer you in the right direction and a bad friend will try their hardest to convince you that you’re doing swell when you’re absolutely not.

so walk away if you must but do it with your head held high, not so much out of pride but because you have nothing to be ashamed of.


Mighty Quinn’s and Old Boy (Spike Lee remake)

so last night, I was free of baby duty seeing as she is with her other grandma. her father invited me out to the movies and I took him to this really awesome restaurant. it’s actually kind of cool to be able to chill with him every so often as friends. definitely reminds me of why we aren’t together. don’t get me wrong, he was on his best behavior but we truly are polar opposites and I don’t know what I saw in him anymore. anyway, this post isn’t about us, it’s about where we went to eat and the movie.

first, the restaurant.

Mighty Quinn’s is located on the corner of 2nd Avenue & 6th Street. this place’s specialty is smoked pork and beef brisket. they have signature sides and good beer on tap. the decor is rustic in an industrial sort of way and the music is usually off the charts, punk rock, Bob Dylan, Simon & Garfunkel. the staff is super nice and they seem happy to be there and it doesn’t even come off as an act. the place even has immaculate sweet smelling restrooms.

the food! the pulled pork is seasoned to perfection. the brisket is so soft you could cut it with a spoon like a warm knife through butter. the sweet potato casserole is my favorite side but the baked beans and pork, I’m told, is the best you’ll ever have. they have two different types of slaw and a broccoli salad that is incredible. so far I’ve been there three times, each time I went was with someone who had never been there before. my friend Jimmy, who is a big dude- scary even- said it was like eating heaven and said it was the best piece of meat he ever had in his mouth… (that’s what she said). my kid’s dad originally wanted to go to a ramen spot because he knows that lately I’ve been craving ramen but I told him that the food at Mighty Quinn’s was good enough to make you slap your mother and he said he was down to try it out. when we were sat eating, he was totally all “What About Bob” dinner scene while eating. he’s actually never seen that movie and prior to meeting up, when we were deciding where to go, I told him about this place and sent him the YouTube link to that scene saying that that would be his reaction to the food. the funny thing is, as he started eating, he’s starts “what about Bob-ing” while eating and then stops, looks at me wide eyed and says, “oh my god, you were right. I didn’t even realize what I was doing. I just caught myself doing it. wow!” so as we sat, joking and eating and enjoying the atmosphere and company, he kept exclaiming how good the food was as we devoured our grub and then cleared our table to leave. I asked him, “so, still wish we’d have gone for ramen?” and his response was “I REGRET NOTHING!” as his closed fist shot into the air in triumph. I cracked up. so far, everyone I’ve taken there loves the food, decor, and music. it’s a pretty impressive place. so if you’re ever in the Lower East Side of Manhattan, near St. Marks Place, check it out.

and now to the movie.

all I have to say is this:

1. I will never go see another Spike Lee movie again.

2. I wish I could unsee that movie.

3. he should have never tried to remake a movie that was perfect as it was.

4. Josh Brolin. I’m sorry dude but your leading role debut was awful. please don’t ever try to cry or show emotion again. keep playing goons and supporting roles. you’re no leading man.

that’s it. I’ve already said more than I should have. if you’ve never seen the original movie, please see it and please NEVER see this version. it was awful. truly awful.






Thank you Frank Schaefer, your actions and stance are extremely welcome to me…

Thank you Frank Schaefer, your actions and stance are extremely welcome to me…

I want to express my deepest gratitude over the words of this minister, in taking to heart his calling and standing beside the LGBTQ community. This means so much to me because as we move forward, the world is waking up and people are beginning to understand from every background how important equality is for everyone. We’ve come a long way and have much further to go but we are making strides that are much larger and have a deeper impact than ever before. I am caught somewhere in the middle of this because to straight people I’m gay but to gay people I’m not. No matter how people on either side of this debate view me, I know me, and whenever I hear of someone standing up for gay rights, I feel overjoyed and I know that they are standing up for me.

So thank you Frank! I appreciate you! I’m not religious but you are my minister!

life is funny sometimes, but I’m not laughing, this is serious

sometimes we find ourselves in situations that really put other situations in perspective for you. I’m about to be brutally honest in this post so whoever reads it, well, I don’t really care what your opinion is.

so back when I was with my daughter’s father, he and I “broke up,” and I put that in quotes because up until I finally left him for good, our relationship was like a revolving door. we’d break up and get back together every couple of weeks. it was really wack. well one of those times, he was really angry. at least to hear him tell it, he was out for revenge. he decided he was gonna hook up with this chick who was friends with my “best friend,” and again I use quotes because he proved himself otherwise down the road. anyway, this chick knew he and I were together and that it was a rocky relationship but she was so desperate for attention, a place I eventually found myself in, that she fell for all the bullshit my daughter’s father spouted at her.

OMG how traumatic for everyone involved. it put a huge strain on me and my “best friend’s” relationship. he hated my daughter’s father for bringing our problems into his circle of friends. I hated her for not respecting my relationship and hated my daughter’s father for embarrassing me by hooking up with someone who was within my circle. to this day it bothers me because of all the women in NYC, he had to fuck around with someone I considered a friend. I actually liked her before this happened and had hung out and broke bread with her. it still turns my stomach to think of it so I mostly try not to.

this was back in 2011 and like a fool I got back together with my daughter’s father. I was trying to preserve my family, you know, give my daughter a home with a mom and dad. it didn’t last. less than 6 months later, I left him again and that time it was final. no amount of pleading on his part would get me to change my mind and go back to him. when he saw that, he tried to force me by coercion. he took me to court to take our daughter from me. he’d made this threat before and the first time around, to avoid court, I got back together with him. I think he thought I would come running back again but instead I hired a lawyer and kicked his ass in court. I’ve spoken of this before in my blog so I don’t need to go into in depth detail here.

the relationship between my “best friend” and I was never the same. my ex had sufficiently damaged that relationship and my actions as well, tarnished how this person viewed me. you would think a friend would try to understand how abused and damaged the relationship had left me. instead he saw me as a fool and unworthy of the friendship. sadly, he didn’t let me in on his feelings until months later. I still thought we were friends and sought to preserve that friendship as best I could. my efforts were futile and I’ll explain that in a bit.

flashback to 2007. I used to date this guy back when I was in college. it was an “interesting” relationship. he came in and out of my life and that was that but around Labor Day of 2012, I found him again. we started seeing each other again only this time, I learned something about him that I didn’t know the first time around. I learned that back when we dated in the past, he was married and today, he is still married. I loved this guy, and more importantly, I loved the way he made me feel. I felt like glitter and I felt loved and after being with my daughter’s father, who not only physically abused me but emotionally and mentally abused me as well, this guy-despite being married- made me feel like a princess and I realize now, how badly I needed that. my daughter’s father made me feel worthless, and this guy made me feel valuable. I knew I shouldn’t see him because in essence, I was doing what I admonished the year prior when my “best friend’s” homegirl dated my daughter’s father but I needed what he gave me, he boosted my self esteem which was practically nonexistent when I left my daughter’s father. he cherished me and made promises to be with me and even though I said I believed him, I never really did. deep down I knew this wasn’t for forever but I didn’t care because I needed the love so desperately.

this story jumps around a bit but I want to make sure I get it all down simply because once I hit post, I don’t want to think about this anymore. I guess doing this is sort of like therapy. getting it out of my head and heart and onto my blog tends to help me move passed difficult times in my life and again, I don’t do this for you, I do this for me. not trying to be rude but doesn’t everyone blog for themselves, truly. if people read your blog and get something out of it, then awesome but otherwise, it’s done for you.

when I left my daughter’s father, I wanted to run away. I literally felt so oppressed by him that I wanted to escape and leave to another state. I needed a car. so I gathered all of my valuables, jewelry, computers, anything of any worth and sold it all. I gave my computers to my “best friend” but he never sold them and I was glad of that because when everything came down to dust, I wanted them back. one was a Mac Book laptop and the other was a Mac Mini desktop. I rarely saw my “best friend” anymore, hardly ever spoke to him or anything. I kept trying to see him. time after time we would make plans, and he would leave me hanging. on several occasions, with no notice and I would find myself waiting at the designated place only to be stood up. I kept trying. I loved this friend like a brother and I missed him and needed him. I didn’t understand why he kept blowing me off and I chucked it off to just being busy. I asked him on several occasions if he still had my computers and he always said he did. after several months of trying to see him, I grew fed up and just asked if I could get them back. I sent him messages via email and text, trying to set up the return of my computers. I even offered to pay for shipping seeing as he had no interest in meeting up and his repeated cancellations of plans made that clear to me. that’s when he laid in on me. he ripped me to shreds, insulting me, calling me names, telling me I was a piece of shit and that he lost all respect for me. he juxtaposed my situation with my daughter’s father and his friend to my situation with the married man. said I was just like his friend and told me he wanted nothing to do with me, even though he was still friends with her. it hurt. it hurt me really bad. after going back and forth, trying to defend myself, I finally just asked him to give me back my computers so we could be done with each other. instead he told me he was putting them in the trash pile outside of his building right then and there. he lives in Brooklyn and I live in the Bronx. it was a cold rainy February night. he knew I had no way of getting there to get them. I even begged him not to do it. expressed that my daughter’s baby pics were on the laptop and that I really needed them back. he came back at me with more insults and my last response to him was simply to say that I would never contact him again. I haven’t.

I expressed this to the married guy and that’s when our relationship changed. I questioned everything and expressed my doubts and we started to bicker. we held on for several more months but eventually, I ended it. the love wasn’t there anymore and the things my “best friend” had said to me changed how I saw our relationship and I had no choice but to let it go, for my souls’ sake. I remembered how it felt to be cheated on and felt ill at being the other woman. I thought of his wife and I started to care more about her than the guy I was seeing. I identified with her and even though she never found out about us, I knew she would feel pain if he actually left her for me and I didn’t want her to feel pain. I knew the only thing left to do was end it and so I did.

several weeks back I wrote a post that was my public apology to those I’ve hurt. my “best friend” read that post. I know because a comment was left on it and the words used could only come from him. I responded wishing him well and even though I meant that well wish, I don’t really appreciate the comment he left. it was somewhat condescending, maybe I just read it like that but more than that, here’s a person whom I loved dearly, who ripped me to shreds last time we spoke, who in essence stole from me by not returning my belongings, and he had a bit of nerve commenting on my blog. I mean, it is a public blog and anyone can comment and yes, my post was an open apology to those I may have hurt and with that apology, I extend forgiveness towards those who hurt me, so he is forgiven but he didn’t need to leave a comment and why the hell is he reading my blog anyway? does he feel remorse over how he treated me? is he trying to rekindle the relationship? what the hell does he want? after how terribly he berated me and after refusing to return my computers, why does he even care to read my blog? if he reads this post, and gets this far, this is my message directly to him:

you hurt me terribly over things you found wrong and you were entitled to your opinion but you were not entitled to punish me by keeping my things. I don’t believe you did what you said you would do with them. I believe you eventually sold them and kept the money because you of all people know what they were worth. more than the cost of the items you kept, you stole from a single mom and I eventually bought a new laptop but economically can’t afford to replace what you kept with items of equal value. moreover, you took a self righteous stance when you yourself are no saint. so my forgiveness towards you is still valid. I forgive you, truly, but I don’t want to ever have you back in my life so if ever I cross your mind, if you’re actually reading this now, know, your presence is neither necessary or wanted in my life. I forgive you and today, I choose to forget you.

moving on to what was actually the spark that caused this post:

recently, a guy called me. he used to date a friend of mine and maintained a friendship with her that would sometimes turn romantic. he recently posted a picture of his current girlfriend on instagram calling her his wife. a few days later he called me looking for my friend. she changed her number and didn’t give him the new number on purpose, to cut ties with him. I received his call cordially but didn’t relay that her intention is to not communicate with him anymore. he asked me to tell her to call him. I know what his intentions are from his past behavior. he wants to keep her on the side and cheat on his girl with her. that pissed me off. my friend is a wonderful person and deserves more respect than that. I related this to her and she agreed and felt hurt and grateful that I too saw through him. she thanked me for defending her. it got me thinking.

“damn. I should defend myself as much, if not more, than I defended her.”

I still spoke to the married guy and even though we ended the relationship, I still longed for him. he still filled my head with ideas and I still wanted him. I even dated someone else for about two months to try to get over him but ended that relationship and called the married guy again. I knew it would only be a matter of time before we were back at it again, and that was stirring up all these old feelings again. love, remorse, guilt, anger, resentment. I knew talking to him was tempting and wrong but I did so anyway. we even met up for a hot make-out session. when I had defended her, it made me mad at myself for not doing the same for myself in regards to him.

I’m more valuable than how he treats me.

I deserve to be more than a “side chick” or “back up plan.”

he could never give me what I feel I deserve in life and love.

I would always doubt him even if he did leave his wife for me.

I would always feel sad/pain over her sadness and pain.

so today, I blocked his number. today I made a promise to myself. I’ll never speak to him again. my feelings for him are too intense, even today, and I know I’m weak, too weak to stay friends. to him I say the following:

I love you. I’m sorry. we can’t be friends. have a good life and be good to your wife. she’s stood by you and deserves better than you could possibly ever give her, but I hope you try.

in an effort to end this post positively, I have a lot to be grateful and happy about. I have a great relationship now with my daughter’s father. I wouldn’t call him “my friend” but we’re definitely not enemies. I have shelter and am gainfully employed and neither myself or my daughter, ever go hungry. I have very few friends but the ones I have are worthwhile. They don’t use up all of my energy without reciprocation and they are kind and caring to my daughter and I. I’m single, by choice, but I’m happy with that. I feel at ease by myself, no pressure to be this or that for someone. I can just be myself and MYSELF is something I’m finally happy with. I love myself, I know myself, and I am working on making myself better each day than I was the day before. this is something I can say that I am actually accomplishing. I have learned how to be more discerning in regards to who I keep in my inner circle and do not regret the loss of friendships from my past. if they were meant to be in my life today, they would be and if they’re not, it is for a valid reason and I hope they stay gone. I don’t need my past to come tumbling into my present and detract me from my wonderful and amazing future. I value this moment, it is so wonderful and awesome to be in. as time pushes forward and I continue to grow and learn, I know one day I will be laying on my death bed smiling, with next to no regrets. I’ve let go of all that baggage. This post contains a few of those bags, and in clicking post, I’ve let go of them too.

Dayna Morales, Let Me Tip You!

Dayna Morales, Let Me Tip You!

I read a story on MSN this morning that turned my stomach and while I normally try to keep it positive on here, I felt the need to post this up. I plan on contacting this restaurant and hopefully speaking to this server or her manager. I feel the need to make amends to her on behalf of these ignorant people. 


What angers me about this whole thing is that they didn’t need to do that. When they sat down and saw that she was gay, they could have asked to be served by someone else or asked to be re-seated in another server’s area. They didn’t need to make her serve them, for however long they were there, only to not leave her a tip and leave that ignorant note. Disgusted isn’t even the appropriate way for me to describe how reading this made me feel. I feel like she deserves a reward for putting up with that. Maybe a campaign can be started where people donate 20% of the bill to her. If enough people donate 20% then maybe she can go on a cruise. She waits tables so she probably can’t afford a nice trip.  



I don’t need to be served by you. I don’t need to even meet you. I’m so sad and angry that you were treated like this, I will send you 20% of that bill as your tip. 





doing NOTHING is sometimes SOMETHING

so in an effort to gain insight from as many possible avenues, I spoke to my young friend Melissa last night about my situation at work. she’s only 26 but the girl is extremely smart and she’s a really good friend she told me to not say anything. she said, ” saying anything at all, no matter what you say, is wrong. even apologizing is wrong because you did nothing wrong.” she went on to say that she had encountered similar situations and dealt with each differently. she went one by one describing the instances, in the worst she tossed a hot cup of coffee on her boss for being a jerk, and in another she simply took the high road and did what she told me to do. of all the situations she described, the one with the best outcome is the one where she did nothing. she didn’t know it at the time, but her doing nothing was actually something! she accepted what she had no control over and in doing so, she let go of the ill feeling it gave her, and was at peace. in the first situation, her reaction caused discord and since the ego thrives on discord it was ego driven act.

I don’t want to be ego driven!

so, I’m going to listen to her. I’m not going to say anything. I will stay silent and in my silence, I am making a statement. by not saying anything, I manage to stay on my wavelength. if I say what I said I would say, that’s coming from an egoic place. I don’t need to inform her of her unconsciousness. let her be, that’s what I’ll do. I don’t need to apologize for confusing her with someone who was awake. this is my mistake and my problem, just like her taking offense and speaking ill of me is her problem. just like I should not concern myself with how she feels about me, I should not concern her with how I feel about her.

after speaking at length about this situation with a friend who not only loves me but respects me and who also comes to me when she needs advice or a listening ear, I unburdened myself some and got a clearer perspective of the whole situation. sometimes that’s all you need. is someone outside of the situation to shed light on it.

so since I now know what I am going to do, which is nothing, I am at peace with the situation and it is no longer a pressing matter. should she come to talk to me at any time in the future, I will simply smile and reply. I will not tell her how she made me feel nor will I entertain any conversation of a confrontational nature. should she try to broach the subject, I will simply put my hand up in a halting gesture and say, “please, don’t bring me down. I’m at peace.” and end the conversation. I have no need to hash anything out with her for her benefit because from this moment forward, it is a nonissue for me. should she choose to hold onto it, that’s her burden.

I am free of it.



NYCTAPER.COM is super duper dope!!!

my favorite website is and my favorite artist is mike doughty. if you go to that website and search his name, you’ll find shows of his from earlier this year that were recorded and posted for listeners like me and you to enjoy. I went to both of those shows and you can actually hear me shouting in both recordings. what I love about these recordings over the albums are the crowd’s reactions to songs when they start. for example, at the city winery show on July 31st, he sings Sunken Eyed Girl. it’s the eleventh song he sings but it’s the fifteenth track on the recording due to “banter.” when the song starts the crowd is silent but then they recognize the song after the first lyrics and they all scream and shout. I love it. every time I hear it, I listen for my voice which I recognize throughout but when the entire crowd rouses a collective whoop, no matter how many times I listen to the recordings, I get goosebumps. so yeah, if you want to hear some good tunes, go to they records shows throughout NYC and they have many great shows to listen to there. I personally only ever listen to mike, but that’s cause I can’t stop listening to him. believe me, I’ve tried and I just can’t!!! lol. I love him. not like in love, just love. I’m so grateful to the universe that he exists, that he sings, and that I can hear, and can enjoy him. he’s sooooooo awesome!!!