sometimes we find ourselves in situations that really put other situations in perspective for you. I’m about to be brutally honest in this post so whoever reads it, well, I don’t really care what your opinion is.
so back when I was with my daughter’s father, he and I “broke up,” and I put that in quotes because up until I finally left him for good, our relationship was like a revolving door. we’d break up and get back together every couple of weeks. it was really wack. well one of those times, he was really angry. at least to hear him tell it, he was out for revenge. he decided he was gonna hook up with this chick who was friends with my “best friend,” and again I use quotes because he proved himself otherwise down the road. anyway, this chick knew he and I were together and that it was a rocky relationship but she was so desperate for attention, a place I eventually found myself in, that she fell for all the bullshit my daughter’s father spouted at her.
OMG how traumatic for everyone involved. it put a huge strain on me and my “best friend’s” relationship. he hated my daughter’s father for bringing our problems into his circle of friends. I hated her for not respecting my relationship and hated my daughter’s father for embarrassing me by hooking up with someone who was within my circle. to this day it bothers me because of all the women in NYC, he had to fuck around with someone I considered a friend. I actually liked her before this happened and had hung out and broke bread with her. it still turns my stomach to think of it so I mostly try not to.
this was back in 2011 and like a fool I got back together with my daughter’s father. I was trying to preserve my family, you know, give my daughter a home with a mom and dad. it didn’t last. less than 6 months later, I left him again and that time it was final. no amount of pleading on his part would get me to change my mind and go back to him. when he saw that, he tried to force me by coercion. he took me to court to take our daughter from me. he’d made this threat before and the first time around, to avoid court, I got back together with him. I think he thought I would come running back again but instead I hired a lawyer and kicked his ass in court. I’ve spoken of this before in my blog so I don’t need to go into in depth detail here.
the relationship between my “best friend” and I was never the same. my ex had sufficiently damaged that relationship and my actions as well, tarnished how this person viewed me. you would think a friend would try to understand how abused and damaged the relationship had left me. instead he saw me as a fool and unworthy of the friendship. sadly, he didn’t let me in on his feelings until months later. I still thought we were friends and sought to preserve that friendship as best I could. my efforts were futile and I’ll explain that in a bit.
flashback to 2007. I used to date this guy back when I was in college. it was an “interesting” relationship. he came in and out of my life and that was that but around Labor Day of 2012, I found him again. we started seeing each other again only this time, I learned something about him that I didn’t know the first time around. I learned that back when we dated in the past, he was married and today, he is still married. I loved this guy, and more importantly, I loved the way he made me feel. I felt like glitter and I felt loved and after being with my daughter’s father, who not only physically abused me but emotionally and mentally abused me as well, this guy-despite being married- made me feel like a princess and I realize now, how badly I needed that. my daughter’s father made me feel worthless, and this guy made me feel valuable. I knew I shouldn’t see him because in essence, I was doing what I admonished the year prior when my “best friend’s” homegirl dated my daughter’s father but I needed what he gave me, he boosted my self esteem which was practically nonexistent when I left my daughter’s father. he cherished me and made promises to be with me and even though I said I believed him, I never really did. deep down I knew this wasn’t for forever but I didn’t care because I needed the love so desperately.
this story jumps around a bit but I want to make sure I get it all down simply because once I hit post, I don’t want to think about this anymore. I guess doing this is sort of like therapy. getting it out of my head and heart and onto my blog tends to help me move passed difficult times in my life and again, I don’t do this for you, I do this for me. not trying to be rude but doesn’t everyone blog for themselves, truly. if people read your blog and get something out of it, then awesome but otherwise, it’s done for you.
when I left my daughter’s father, I wanted to run away. I literally felt so oppressed by him that I wanted to escape and leave to another state. I needed a car. so I gathered all of my valuables, jewelry, computers, anything of any worth and sold it all. I gave my computers to my “best friend” but he never sold them and I was glad of that because when everything came down to dust, I wanted them back. one was a Mac Book laptop and the other was a Mac Mini desktop. I rarely saw my “best friend” anymore, hardly ever spoke to him or anything. I kept trying to see him. time after time we would make plans, and he would leave me hanging. on several occasions, with no notice and I would find myself waiting at the designated place only to be stood up. I kept trying. I loved this friend like a brother and I missed him and needed him. I didn’t understand why he kept blowing me off and I chucked it off to just being busy. I asked him on several occasions if he still had my computers and he always said he did. after several months of trying to see him, I grew fed up and just asked if I could get them back. I sent him messages via email and text, trying to set up the return of my computers. I even offered to pay for shipping seeing as he had no interest in meeting up and his repeated cancellations of plans made that clear to me. that’s when he laid in on me. he ripped me to shreds, insulting me, calling me names, telling me I was a piece of shit and that he lost all respect for me. he juxtaposed my situation with my daughter’s father and his friend to my situation with the married man. said I was just like his friend and told me he wanted nothing to do with me, even though he was still friends with her. it hurt. it hurt me really bad. after going back and forth, trying to defend myself, I finally just asked him to give me back my computers so we could be done with each other. instead he told me he was putting them in the trash pile outside of his building right then and there. he lives in Brooklyn and I live in the Bronx. it was a cold rainy February night. he knew I had no way of getting there to get them. I even begged him not to do it. expressed that my daughter’s baby pics were on the laptop and that I really needed them back. he came back at me with more insults and my last response to him was simply to say that I would never contact him again. I haven’t.
I expressed this to the married guy and that’s when our relationship changed. I questioned everything and expressed my doubts and we started to bicker. we held on for several more months but eventually, I ended it. the love wasn’t there anymore and the things my “best friend” had said to me changed how I saw our relationship and I had no choice but to let it go, for my souls’ sake. I remembered how it felt to be cheated on and felt ill at being the other woman. I thought of his wife and I started to care more about her than the guy I was seeing. I identified with her and even though she never found out about us, I knew she would feel pain if he actually left her for me and I didn’t want her to feel pain. I knew the only thing left to do was end it and so I did.
several weeks back I wrote a post that was my public apology to those I’ve hurt. my “best friend” read that post. I know because a comment was left on it and the words used could only come from him. I responded wishing him well and even though I meant that well wish, I don’t really appreciate the comment he left. it was somewhat condescending, maybe I just read it like that but more than that, here’s a person whom I loved dearly, who ripped me to shreds last time we spoke, who in essence stole from me by not returning my belongings, and he had a bit of nerve commenting on my blog. I mean, it is a public blog and anyone can comment and yes, my post was an open apology to those I may have hurt and with that apology, I extend forgiveness towards those who hurt me, so he is forgiven but he didn’t need to leave a comment and why the hell is he reading my blog anyway? does he feel remorse over how he treated me? is he trying to rekindle the relationship? what the hell does he want? after how terribly he berated me and after refusing to return my computers, why does he even care to read my blog? if he reads this post, and gets this far, this is my message directly to him:
you hurt me terribly over things you found wrong and you were entitled to your opinion but you were not entitled to punish me by keeping my things. I don’t believe you did what you said you would do with them. I believe you eventually sold them and kept the money because you of all people know what they were worth. more than the cost of the items you kept, you stole from a single mom and I eventually bought a new laptop but economically can’t afford to replace what you kept with items of equal value. moreover, you took a self righteous stance when you yourself are no saint. so my forgiveness towards you is still valid. I forgive you, truly, but I don’t want to ever have you back in my life so if ever I cross your mind, if you’re actually reading this now, know, your presence is neither necessary or wanted in my life. I forgive you and today, I choose to forget you.
moving on to what was actually the spark that caused this post:
recently, a guy called me. he used to date a friend of mine and maintained a friendship with her that would sometimes turn romantic. he recently posted a picture of his current girlfriend on instagram calling her his wife. a few days later he called me looking for my friend. she changed her number and didn’t give him the new number on purpose, to cut ties with him. I received his call cordially but didn’t relay that her intention is to not communicate with him anymore. he asked me to tell her to call him. I know what his intentions are from his past behavior. he wants to keep her on the side and cheat on his girl with her. that pissed me off. my friend is a wonderful person and deserves more respect than that. I related this to her and she agreed and felt hurt and grateful that I too saw through him. she thanked me for defending her. it got me thinking.
“damn. I should defend myself as much, if not more, than I defended her.”
I still spoke to the married guy and even though we ended the relationship, I still longed for him. he still filled my head with ideas and I still wanted him. I even dated someone else for about two months to try to get over him but ended that relationship and called the married guy again. I knew it would only be a matter of time before we were back at it again, and that was stirring up all these old feelings again. love, remorse, guilt, anger, resentment. I knew talking to him was tempting and wrong but I did so anyway. we even met up for a hot make-out session. when I had defended her, it made me mad at myself for not doing the same for myself in regards to him.
I’m more valuable than how he treats me.
I deserve to be more than a “side chick” or “back up plan.”
he could never give me what I feel I deserve in life and love.
I would always doubt him even if he did leave his wife for me.
I would always feel sad/pain over her sadness and pain.
so today, I blocked his number. today I made a promise to myself. I’ll never speak to him again. my feelings for him are too intense, even today, and I know I’m weak, too weak to stay friends. to him I say the following:
I love you. I’m sorry. we can’t be friends. have a good life and be good to your wife. she’s stood by you and deserves better than you could possibly ever give her, but I hope you try.
in an effort to end this post positively, I have a lot to be grateful and happy about. I have a great relationship now with my daughter’s father. I wouldn’t call him “my friend” but we’re definitely not enemies. I have shelter and am gainfully employed and neither myself or my daughter, ever go hungry. I have very few friends but the ones I have are worthwhile. They don’t use up all of my energy without reciprocation and they are kind and caring to my daughter and I. I’m single, by choice, but I’m happy with that. I feel at ease by myself, no pressure to be this or that for someone. I can just be myself and MYSELF is something I’m finally happy with. I love myself, I know myself, and I am working on making myself better each day than I was the day before. this is something I can say that I am actually accomplishing. I have learned how to be more discerning in regards to who I keep in my inner circle and do not regret the loss of friendships from my past. if they were meant to be in my life today, they would be and if they’re not, it is for a valid reason and I hope they stay gone. I don’t need my past to come tumbling into my present and detract me from my wonderful and amazing future. I value this moment, it is so wonderful and awesome to be in. as time pushes forward and I continue to grow and learn, I know one day I will be laying on my death bed smiling, with next to no regrets. I’ve let go of all that baggage. This post contains a few of those bags, and in clicking post, I’ve let go of them too.