time obsessed vs consciousness

Eckhart Tolle says that humans are time obsessed beings. we create our identities from our past and place all good things in our future which causes our present lives to be sad and full of turmoil. he says it’s best to let go of the past so that it doesn’t define you and to stop placing the good in our lives in front of us because we will never reach the future. all we have is NOW so we need to acknowledge it, respect and honor it, because when we do that, we open ourselves up to all of the blessings the universe has to offer.

while it is some of the best advice I have ever come across, putting it into practice can be difficult at times because the past has a funny way of coming back to haunt you.

as we grow and live we come across people and situations that we label good or bad. sometimes people and situations that we label good become bad, or bad becomes good. a lot of times, we don’t recognize the change until it has hits us dead in the face because we often times go through life with blinders on and we don’t pick up on the signs that the universe drops in our path to wake us up. we’re so caught up with living that we don’t compute things as they come but instead wait until all the numbers are dropped so we can add them all up. and when things don’t add up it leaves us looking for answers and confused. sometimes it even leads to bitterness, anger or regret.

when this happens, we are not present. we’ve allowed outside influences to affect us internally and take our presence away. it isn’t easy to stay present all the time. we can try but there will always be something or someone capable of bringing you out of the present and crashing back to the past or flinging us into the unknown future. this isn’t our fault. we’ve been conditioned into this M.O. by our parents, friends, education system, the economy, television, the news, etc. we don’t even know we do this until someone points it out, usually it’s someone more conscious than you that does it.

I first came across a “pointer” shortly before leaving my daughter’s father for last time. our relationship was horrible, very seldom was it good and I suffered a great deal through it. I came across a very popular book which had been suggested to me many times before but which I discounted as new age mumbo jumbo. I am not the type to buy into hype so I never read the book. then in the months surrounding the break up I came across the title while searching for a new book via my Nook E-reader.

the book’s name is The Secret.

I know I know. how hokey? right? well, despite this, I read the book and I felt an automatic shift in my consciousness. I did some of the things the book suggested. in it, it says to write down what you want and to forget about the note. put it away and don’t look at it again. so I did. I wrote many many notes. on one I wrote, “universe, remove ‘A’ from my life in any way you deem fit” and on another I wrote “universe, please allow me to acquire a better paying job” and so on and so forth. my bedroom wall had post it’s stuck to it with all kinds of messages. “2013 is YOUR year” one read or “it is only when you’ve lost everything that you are free to do anything.”

this was last year towards the end of February. the following months were really tough. the relationship ended badly and he took me to court to take our daughter from me. I was not going to take it lying down and I looked for help and got it. I fought back hard and I won, thankfully. and then, last November I received a letter with a job offer to work for the state. I took the job and am making more money now.

it’s a year later and I sit on my train going home and I marvel at how reading that one book catapulted my life in the exact direction I wanted. I remember cleaning out my desk at my old job and finding the note about removing my daughter’s father from my life. the universe responded. I also found the note about a better job and thought “wow! this really works!” this past year, almost two years, has proven to me that this really works!

when I first came across Eckhart Tolle it was via a picture with a quote of his. I thought “How cool! I love it!” and then a week later while working my field, I passed a book seller who had both of his books for sale. I took it as a sign. I’d never heard of him until the week prior and here I was buying his books. I read them like I do all the books I read, totally engrossed. like with The Secret, his words resounded inside of me. it has further awakened me to my elevated consciousness.

I’m not perfect. I’m not meant to be. I will fail and I will succeed. it is what it is but now I know how better to deal with these things. I don’t let my ego control me anymore, or at least, it isn’t always in control of me. sometimes I still fail but that’s normal and I won’t knock myself for it. like with anything, riding a bike for instance, it requires patience and practice. if you want to ride a bike, be prepared to fall from it a few times, you may even get hurt. but you don’t give up. you climb back on it and you find your balance and you pedal like hell was chasing you and before long it becomes second nature. that’s how this works. being conscious and staying conscious takes practice and patience. there will be times you fail, times where your conditioned time obsession forces you into the past or future but the key is to notice this when it happens and to regulate it so that it happens less and less until eventually it becomes second nature.

I hope to one day be completely free of my ego and to control my emotions from a place of presence at all times. I am certain that day will come and is just around the bend.

but wait, isn’t that part of my conditioning? placing my awakened self in my future?

it is. there. you see what we do right there. placing good things ahead of us.

so let me rephrase that.

right now, at this moment, I am conscious.

right now, I am aware.

this is all that really matters.

I’m out.


Why are you offended??

getting offended says more about you than it does about whatever caused the perceived offense.

let that sink in a bit.

has anyone ever said or done something that made you feel offended?

have you ever seen something on tv or in public and been so offended by it?

have you ever stopped to think of why you feel so offended?

is it the thing, the event or whatever that caused you to feel offended or is it something inside of you that caused you to be offended?

the fact remains that there is no one in control over your feelings except yourself. you have the control to feel happy or sad or angry or excited and likewise, you have the control over feeling offended. it’s all on you, and it is a choice you make.

when you take offense to something, you are choosing to be offended and when you make that choice, you’ve opened the door to a plethora of negative emotions and have markedly lowered your own frequency.

your demeanor changes and you are no longer your true self. you are the offended, you are the person so consumed by the offense that it takes over your entire person and you couldn’t be your true self if you tried.

let’s go further.

human beings are ego driven creatures. it is only through being conscious that a person can shut down their ego and allow their true self to shine through.

the ego itself is not who a person is.

the ego is who a person thinks they are and they think this because of the constant stream of compulsive thinking that takes place at all waking moments in the mind.

the ego is driven by fear and fear alone.

what does the ego fear?



the ego doesn’t want you to become conscious because ego and consciousness can not coexist. like oil and water, they don’t mix, one snuffs out the other.

one is negative and the other is positive.

the ego will employ any number of tricks to keep you unconscious while consciousness uses no tricks to wake you up. it simply is. consciousness exists in everything and everyone. the ego doesn’t exist anywhere except in your mind and it knows this so it uses tricks of the mind to sustain itself. it is in constant fear of destruction and like a cornered wild animal, it will attack. the sad thing about it is that the ego convinces the ego driven person that it is defending itself, or rather that it is defending the organism it possesses, when in reality it is destroying that organism by not allowing that person to live in an elevated state of consciousness, where peace and love and kindness coexist. consciousness does not have a spec of negativity yet all that the ego is represents negativity.

before you say, “this doesn’t make sense” allow me to break it down.

the ego knows it is constantly on the brink of annihilation and as a result, it will do whatever it can to secure it’s existence.

since the ego can only exist in an unconscious mind, it will employ any method necessary to keep its host unconscious.

the ego is the master of deception and it builds the host up an image, an idea, of who they are. it convinces the host that they must protect this “image” at all costs. it seeks discord and takes offense under that guise and guides the host’s behaviors like a puppeteer. the person is not in control, their ego is.

why does the ego go on the defensive towards a perceived offense?

because the ego needs opposition to feel at ease. as long as it has created an enemy, it has something to fight against, as long as it keeps it’s host fighting some outside force, it makes the host unaware of the battle taking place inside itself- the battle to become and remain conscious. it floods the host’s mind with thoughts that are negative and in doing so, muddles their thinking and secures it’s own existence.

you see, by keeping you unconscious, it secures it’s own existence. the ego is very clever. it doesn’t want you to notice it because even the most unconscious person becomes a little closer to consciousness when they- even for just one second- notice their ego.


because when you notice your ego, your consciousness awakens. when that happens, you realize that you and your ego are two separate things. you realize you are not your ego. when you realize this, you are able to take a step back and observe your ego and how it behaves, or rather, how it makes you behave. this ability to observe the ego IS consciousness and when you become conscious, you are able to laugh at the ego and it’s behavior. you don’t take it seriously so it dissolves. this is the egos greatest fear because as I stated earlier, the driving force behind the ego is fear and it’s greatest fear is annihilation.

so you see, when something offends you, it isn’t really you who is offended but your ego. your ego convinces you that you’re offended because in doing so, it gains control over you and your emotions, and through this act, it secures it’s existence.

with that in mind, think back to the last time you were offended. observe that moment in your mind now. what was it? was it something someone said or did that offended you or was it your ego telling you to find what was said or done offensive?

let’s get specific.

imagine you’re walking down the street and someone calls you a wicked name or racial slur. you become offended by this act. examine this scenario. what is it about this scenario that is offensive? I want you to really think about it hard. did the word, the expletive cause you harm or was how your ego perceived the word or expletive what caused you harm? what power at all does any word have to harm you unless you give that word power via the perception of the ego!? so let’s say someone calls you a bitch. did the word hurt you? did the person who used the word hurt you? or did your ego driven identity cause the hurt? you think to yourself “how dare you call me that!? I am not a bitch!” and therein lies the problem. the problem isn’t in the word or the person who used the word against you. the problem lies in how you perceive yourself and that perception is created by the ego. you are offended because the word is not how you identify yourself and your identity, according to your ego, is who you are. when someone calls you a name, your ego feels attacked and feels like it is being destroyed and in order to protect itself it forces you to feel offended and via this feeling, it defends its sense of self, its identity, which it has created and implanted into you so that you never become aware of who you really are.

when you are conscious, you do not become offended. when you are conscious, you know yourself and when you know yourself, no external force can change or dismantle you. there is no outside force capable of hurting you or changing who you are. you are one with yourself and your truest purpose in the universe, and nothing, absolutely nothing, can alter that… unless you let it and you let it by giving your ego the reigns.

so the next time you feel offended, remember that it isn’t you who is truly offended but your ego.

the good thing is that you can use your feelings to gauge your level of consciousness. when you feel offended, use that feeling to become aware, to regain consciousness. examine what it is you are feeling, and dis-identify with the feeling. take a step back. understand that it is your ego that feels offended and that it is your ego taking control of your emotions, and remember that you are not your ego. when you do this, you regain your consciousness, your truest self shines through. no matter what the negative emotion is, it can be the key to regaining your consciousness. it is the other side of the coin, so to speak and on the flip side is where you want to be.

the power of a smile

when I was a kid, I read a poem by Barbara Hauck about a smile. she was 13 when she wrote and it just goes to show, you don’t have to be old or mature or have a degree in literature or social sciences or whatever to posses wisdom. this little girl surely did.

the poem follows:

“She smiled at a sorrowful stranger.
The smile seemed to make him feel better.
He remembered past kindnesses of a friend
and wrote him a thank-you letter.
The friend was so pleased with the thank-you
that he left a large tip after lunch.
The waitress, surprised by the size of the tip,
bet the whole thing on a hunch.
The next day she picked up her winnings,
and gave part to a man on the street.
The man on the street was grateful;
for two days he’d had nothing to eat.
After he finished his dinner,
he left for his small dingy room.
(He didn’t know at the moment
that he might be facing his doom.)
On the way he picked up a shivering puppy
and took him home to get warm.
The puppy was very grateful
to be in out of the storm.
That night the house caught on fire.
The puppy barked the alarm.
He barked ’til he woke the whole household
and saved everybody from harm.
One of the boys that he rescued
grew up to be President.
All this because of a simple smile
that hadn’t cost a cent.”

–Barbara Hauck, (age 13)

now that you’ve read it, what do you think? do you, like me, see the power behind a smile yet? if not, try it.

tomorrow, or today, put a smile on your face. smile at the stranger sitting across from you on the train or bus. smile at the person behind the wheel of the car next to you at the traffic light. smile at everyone you see. watch how many smiles you get back! smiling, like yawning, is contagious. when you smile at someone, usually they smile back. it feels good to be smiled at. when someone smiles at you, it’s almost as if they are giving you a silent approval. they’re acknowledging you and their response to seeing you is a smile. damn that feels good, don’t it?? well it’s the same for those you smile at. they feel good about having received your smile and sure enough, they give it back. a smile may seem so small but truly, it is one of the most returnable gifts. when you smile at someone, you’ve gifted them with your smile and so they gift you back their own. it’s pretty dope if you ask me. I’m a giver so I give smiles all day long and I get smiles back all day long. it doesn’t hurt that I think I have a really nice smile to boot but it doesn’t matter what type of smile you think you have, whether you think it’s awkward or goofy. it doesn’t matter. what matters is that you smile and share your smile with EVERYONE!

okay, so we’ve covered that. lets get biological on your ass. (yeah, SCIENCE! bitch) do you know that smiling triggers feel good chemicals in your brain? well it does! on the flip side, frowning triggers feel bad chemicals in your brain too. no one wants to feel bad. no one wakes up in the morning and says to themselves in the mirror, “Today I will frown and scowl at everyone I encounter. Today I will have a bad day and transmit this bad day to everyone!” (maybe there are people who wake up like that but lets ignore those bums right now and say they don’t exist, ok?) people prefer good days over bad and rightly so but do you know that you can pretty much guarantee that everyday will be a good day simply by smiling? you probably think I’m full of it but I’m serious. since smiling causes a chemical reaction in your brain that releases feel good chemicals into your system, the mere act of smiling will alter your mood towards the positive. when you feel good on the inside, you can’t help but feel good on the outside. when your inside and outside match, what else is there to feel bad about? when you feel good, you meet life’s challenges positively. there isn’t an obstacle or set back that you can’t overcome.

examine this:
we all have that one friend who is always upset or down and who always complains about how things never go right for them. the woe is me friend who just can’t figure out why things seem to always go awry in their lives. observe them. do they look worried? angry? do they always wear a frown? are their eyebrows forever furrowed? this friend, no matter how often you advise them, no matter what you do for them, they stay stuck in this eternal rut with no way out. no amount of council you give them will change this about them so as mean as this next thing may sound, my only recommendation to you is to STOP GIVING THEM YOUR ENERGY! you’re wasting it on someone who doesn’t know how easy it is to live happily and peacefully so just stop. instead, tell them to smile more. your words are of no use to them but if they simply smiled more, their own brain will have a bigger impact on them than anything you could ever say. say, “You know, you should smile more. you’ll feel better if you smile more.” shit, if you have to use more words than that, tell them about the chemical reaction smiling imposes on the body! (yeah, SCIENCE!!! bitch) then, if they start smiling and keep that smile there diligently, they won’t have any choice about how they feel because biology will have taken over. their lives will change without them even noticing and it will all be because of what??? a smile. “a simple smile that hasn’t cost a cent!”

so put that in your pipe and smoke it!


this is my open letter to those I’ve hurt

I’ve never been a hurtful person. I never set out to hurt people for no reason. sure, there was about one year of junior high where I was a bully but that was after years of being bullied. otherwise, I’ve mostly tried to be kind and genuine to everyone I meet.

sometimes, I’ve failed.

that’s what this post is about.

this is my open letter to those I’ve hurt.

I may have lashed out to you over something you did or said but my reaction was emotional and perhaps angry and as a result, I may have hurt you. maybe at the moment I felt you deserved it but in hind sight I know I was just as wrong as you were.

I see now there is truly no justification for being hurtful and the only person responsible for hurting is the person causing the pain.

even if someone provokes you, you are always in control of your reaction to the provocation.

someone may call you a bitch, screw your mate, steal from you, or whatever nonsense and that may make you wanna lash out but it is at that moment that you become responsible.

you are responsible for your actions and your reactions, entirely.

I take responsibility now.

I am responsible.

so if I hurt you, for whatever reason, I’m sorry. I apologize, truly.

I know now how to control my emotions and how to control my reactions to things. that’s not to say I’m now a doormat. it’s just to say I’ve grown as a person and do not need to justify my actions towards anyone based on what they’ve done or not done for or to me.

I will not be the way I’ve been.

if you call me a bitch, I’ll say “Thanks and have a blessed day!”

I’ve learned to keep my frequency high so when I encounter people who are rumbling on a low frequency, they don’t affect me like they once did. I know as long as I maintain my frequency, I’ll not be the cause of hurt or pain to anyone.

so that is just one of my missions.

another is to forgive myself for the hurt I’ve caused.

so whether you reading this have felt pain or hurt caused by me, and don’t want to forgive me, that’s fine because I’ve already forgiven me. just try to remember, when you harbor resentment and anger and hurt towards someone, you’re only really hurting yourself.

so forgive me, for YOUR sake.

the Buddha once said, “Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

stop killing yourself.

forgive, forget, and learn to love again.

you don’t have to love me.

just love yourself.

when you truly love yourself, you can’t hate anyone else. love and forgiveness are such huge emotions that their vibrations shake out all negativity and leave no room for anything else. love and forgiveness take over and attract more good things like magnets.

so that’s my goal.

I love me.
I love who I’ve become.
I’m not the person I was yesterday and I’ll be even better tomorrow than I am today.

I forgive me.
I will no longer feel badly for hurting anyone in my past because I have forgiven myself.

I apologize.
I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you. I hope you can forgive me, for your sake.

I forgive you. I no longer feel angry or hurt by you or what you’ve done to me. I’ve moved on from those negative emotions and have replaced them with love and forgiveness.

you are forgiven.

you are loved.

Camp Vacamas

So today, while cracking cases, I came across an employer name that made me go back in time. The following is an email I sent to them when managed to compose myself long enough to write them.

“To Camp Vacamas

Back in 1989 to 1990, Camp Vacamas would go to PS.28 in Manhattan and pick up a bus load of us kids and take us to Camp Vacamas. I remember the experience vividly as it was one of the most enriching experiences I had ever had to date. I learned a lot and have often thought of those days fondly. I will forever be grateful for that experience.

At that time, my family and I were homeless and we lived from place to place. My mom would rent rooms and the four of us stayed there. It was hard. The greatest joy my brother and I experienced was going to camp there. We felt free from our hardships while we were there. We felt like children there, as opposed to how we felt at home which was mostly unhappy and hungry. My mother did the best she could for us but it was an extremely difficult time for all of us. In fact, when we were signed up to go to camp there, my mother had been hospitalized and was to remain in the hospital for several months. Needless to say, there were many tearful nights spent with family members who would have rather been doing anything else than to be taking care of my brother and I. My older sister was put in a group home for the duration because no one wanted to be responsible for her while my mom was ill. So yes, my brother and I escaped our dismal lives to Camp Vacamas on weekends and for a couple of weeks at the start of the summer. We also were lucky enough to go on a trip to Boston with the camp. I’ll never forget it.

Today, I am an investigator for the state of New York, a mother of a wonderfully bright 3 year old, and I am in a much better place than I was at 9 years old. I came across your camp’s contact information via a case I’m working on in which the person worked for your camp. It brought all those memories back to me and I must say, rather emotionally. I had to step away from my desk and cry a bit. Not out of sadness but out of gratitude. It’s funny the things we don’t think about for years and then one day they hit us and we become overwhelmed with emotion.

That said, I want to volunteer! I want to be of help to Camp Vacamas and the campers. I don’t know if your organization still offers free camping to under privileged kids like you did when I was a child but I want to be a part of this now that I am an adult with a child of my own.

Please, reach out to me. I can be reached via my email address or phone number, 718-XXX-XXXX. That’s my cell number. When I say that I want to volunteer, I mean it. Even if I have to use all of my vacation time to do so, I will. I’d much rather make a difference in the life of a child than go to the Bahamas or Florida or wherever. I mean, sure, we all would love to relax and not do anything during our vacation unless it is for pleasure but nothing would please me more than to be a part of an organization that helped me so much as a child. It was a short period of time but it was a great period of time. I’m grateful and I would love the opportunity to give back.

Thank you for reading this message. I hope it reaches you well. Thank you for what your organization did for me as a child.


So I received a response to my email and spoke to the director, a woman named Sandy who was there when I went there. She remembered my group and was overwhelmed when she read my email. She gave me the contact info for their program in the Bronx and I will soon be volunteering my time to kids just like me when I went there. I’ll even get to go to camp again!!! So excited! My daughter will get to go there too!

Pay it forward! I have this overwhelming sense of gratitude to express! No better way than to do it for the same people/organization that helped me as a child.

Thank you Universe!!!!

the muse is gone

the muse is gone. it has dissolved. the thickness of its substance thinned out and diluted. transparent now what was opaque. what once seemed dense and heavy is now light and airy. the wind lifts it up from where it lays. swirls it around amongst the legs of travelers. the daily commuters on their ways to work or home. they notice it not. they barely take a second glance as it gently lands back on the ground to be trampled underfoot.

the muse is gone. the music notes silenced. the birds seek it to accompany them when they warble. their search is fruitless. they can not find it anymore. they take flight. hoping to see it from up high among the jet streams. they search for it among the trees and within the gardens. they find it not. they never will. feeling defeated when their search’s end at nightfall. they sit perched in buildings eaves and tuck their disheartened heads under wing to sleep. the dawn brings with it reality. they search for the muse no more.

the muse is gone. forgotten in the gutter. covered in dirt and damp with sewage. it hardly resembles itself. the sparkle and shine has been muted and dulled. edges crumbled and breaking apart. where once were fine lines and definition only jagged edges and shapelessness remain. breathless, it can barely sigh its discontent. hopeless, it lies there. waiting for a heavy rain to wash it away.

here comes

the rain to make everything new.

here comes

the rain to make clean what has been soiled.

the muse is gone.


Mike Doughty 6/19

Tickets bought!!!

The best thing my last relationship gave me was knowledge of Mike Doughty. Now, I’m so obsessed with his voice and lyrics that I have vowed to go see him whenever he performs in the boroughs and/or closely neighboring areas.

On 6/19 he is performing in Brooklyn!!!! It’s a Wednesday night but I’m taking the 20th off from work so I can really cut loose that night.

I love him sooooo much! He is sooooo AWESOME!

I have never been one to be a “groupie” before. I actually have never liked any artist or star as much as I like Mike Doughty. It’s like I’m making up for never having liked New Kids on the Block or N’sync or Backstreet or whatever other group chicks obsessed over growing up.

When I hear his voice I feel like I’m living what he is writing. I find myself quoting his lyrics in conversations with friends. I believe I’ve shared his music with everyone I know and people who I know wouldn’t give a listen to music like his before are begging for burns of his cds because he IS JUST THAT GOOD!

I have never wanted to be someone’s friend more than I wish I could be his friend. It isn’t even like I’m enamored with him in a romantic way! I just wish I could have coffee with him once in a while, share stories and laugh together. I wish that he’d pick up his phone and call me and say “Hey Mytchie, watchadoin tonight? Feel like hanging out?” and me be like, “Oh hey Mike, I’m free. I’d love to chill!” I feel like a weirdo just writing that here but it is truly how I feel about the man. In a recording I have of his concert at the City Winery, you can hear me in the background calling him my brother. That’s the closest I can describe my love for him. It’s familial. And all because he is such a good writer and artist. Damn I can’t say it enough!

I love Mike Doughty!!!!!

Can’t wait for June 19th. Tickets are on sale now. Standing room. Go to his website to get the link for the tickets. They’re cheap too!!! Only $25 bucks.