Thank you Frank Schaefer, your actions and stance are extremely welcome to me…

Thank you Frank Schaefer, your actions and stance are extremely welcome to me…

I want to express my deepest gratitude over the words of this minister, in taking to heart his calling and standing beside the LGBTQ community. This means so much to me because as we move forward, the world is waking up and people are beginning to understand from every background how important equality is for everyone. We’ve come a long way and have much further to go but we are making strides that are much larger and have a deeper impact than ever before. I am caught somewhere in the middle of this because to straight people I’m gay but to gay people I’m not. No matter how people on either side of this debate view me, I know me, and whenever I hear of someone standing up for gay rights, I feel overjoyed and I know that they are standing up for me.

So thank you Frank! I appreciate you! I’m not religious but you are my minister!


life is funny sometimes, but I’m not laughing, this is serious

sometimes we find ourselves in situations that really put other situations in perspective for you. I’m about to be brutally honest in this post so whoever reads it, well, I don’t really care what your opinion is.

so back when I was with my daughter’s father, he and I “broke up,” and I put that in quotes because up until I finally left him for good, our relationship was like a revolving door. we’d break up and get back together every couple of weeks. it was really wack. well one of those times, he was really angry. at least to hear him tell it, he was out for revenge. he decided he was gonna hook up with this chick who was friends with my “best friend,” and again I use quotes because he proved himself otherwise down the road. anyway, this chick knew he and I were together and that it was a rocky relationship but she was so desperate for attention, a place I eventually found myself in, that she fell for all the bullshit my daughter’s father spouted at her.

OMG how traumatic for everyone involved. it put a huge strain on me and my “best friend’s” relationship. he hated my daughter’s father for bringing our problems into his circle of friends. I hated her for not respecting my relationship and hated my daughter’s father for embarrassing me by hooking up with someone who was within my circle. to this day it bothers me because of all the women in NYC, he had to fuck around with someone I considered a friend. I actually liked her before this happened and had hung out and broke bread with her. it still turns my stomach to think of it so I mostly try not to.

this was back in 2011 and like a fool I got back together with my daughter’s father. I was trying to preserve my family, you know, give my daughter a home with a mom and dad. it didn’t last. less than 6 months later, I left him again and that time it was final. no amount of pleading on his part would get me to change my mind and go back to him. when he saw that, he tried to force me by coercion. he took me to court to take our daughter from me. he’d made this threat before and the first time around, to avoid court, I got back together with him. I think he thought I would come running back again but instead I hired a lawyer and kicked his ass in court. I’ve spoken of this before in my blog so I don’t need to go into in depth detail here.

the relationship between my “best friend” and I was never the same. my ex had sufficiently damaged that relationship and my actions as well, tarnished how this person viewed me. you would think a friend would try to understand how abused and damaged the relationship had left me. instead he saw me as a fool and unworthy of the friendship. sadly, he didn’t let me in on his feelings until months later. I still thought we were friends and sought to preserve that friendship as best I could. my efforts were futile and I’ll explain that in a bit.

flashback to 2007. I used to date this guy back when I was in college. it was an “interesting” relationship. he came in and out of my life and that was that but around Labor Day of 2012, I found him again. we started seeing each other again only this time, I learned something about him that I didn’t know the first time around. I learned that back when we dated in the past, he was married and today, he is still married. I loved this guy, and more importantly, I loved the way he made me feel. I felt like glitter and I felt loved and after being with my daughter’s father, who not only physically abused me but emotionally and mentally abused me as well, this guy-despite being married- made me feel like a princess and I realize now, how badly I needed that. my daughter’s father made me feel worthless, and this guy made me feel valuable. I knew I shouldn’t see him because in essence, I was doing what I admonished the year prior when my “best friend’s” homegirl dated my daughter’s father but I needed what he gave me, he boosted my self esteem which was practically nonexistent when I left my daughter’s father. he cherished me and made promises to be with me and even though I said I believed him, I never really did. deep down I knew this wasn’t for forever but I didn’t care because I needed the love so desperately.

this story jumps around a bit but I want to make sure I get it all down simply because once I hit post, I don’t want to think about this anymore. I guess doing this is sort of like therapy. getting it out of my head and heart and onto my blog tends to help me move passed difficult times in my life and again, I don’t do this for you, I do this for me. not trying to be rude but doesn’t everyone blog for themselves, truly. if people read your blog and get something out of it, then awesome but otherwise, it’s done for you.

when I left my daughter’s father, I wanted to run away. I literally felt so oppressed by him that I wanted to escape and leave to another state. I needed a car. so I gathered all of my valuables, jewelry, computers, anything of any worth and sold it all. I gave my computers to my “best friend” but he never sold them and I was glad of that because when everything came down to dust, I wanted them back. one was a Mac Book laptop and the other was a Mac Mini desktop. I rarely saw my “best friend” anymore, hardly ever spoke to him or anything. I kept trying to see him. time after time we would make plans, and he would leave me hanging. on several occasions, with no notice and I would find myself waiting at the designated place only to be stood up. I kept trying. I loved this friend like a brother and I missed him and needed him. I didn’t understand why he kept blowing me off and I chucked it off to just being busy. I asked him on several occasions if he still had my computers and he always said he did. after several months of trying to see him, I grew fed up and just asked if I could get them back. I sent him messages via email and text, trying to set up the return of my computers. I even offered to pay for shipping seeing as he had no interest in meeting up and his repeated cancellations of plans made that clear to me. that’s when he laid in on me. he ripped me to shreds, insulting me, calling me names, telling me I was a piece of shit and that he lost all respect for me. he juxtaposed my situation with my daughter’s father and his friend to my situation with the married man. said I was just like his friend and told me he wanted nothing to do with me, even though he was still friends with her. it hurt. it hurt me really bad. after going back and forth, trying to defend myself, I finally just asked him to give me back my computers so we could be done with each other. instead he told me he was putting them in the trash pile outside of his building right then and there. he lives in Brooklyn and I live in the Bronx. it was a cold rainy February night. he knew I had no way of getting there to get them. I even begged him not to do it. expressed that my daughter’s baby pics were on the laptop and that I really needed them back. he came back at me with more insults and my last response to him was simply to say that I would never contact him again. I haven’t.

I expressed this to the married guy and that’s when our relationship changed. I questioned everything and expressed my doubts and we started to bicker. we held on for several more months but eventually, I ended it. the love wasn’t there anymore and the things my “best friend” had said to me changed how I saw our relationship and I had no choice but to let it go, for my souls’ sake. I remembered how it felt to be cheated on and felt ill at being the other woman. I thought of his wife and I started to care more about her than the guy I was seeing. I identified with her and even though she never found out about us, I knew she would feel pain if he actually left her for me and I didn’t want her to feel pain. I knew the only thing left to do was end it and so I did.

several weeks back I wrote a post that was my public apology to those I’ve hurt. my “best friend” read that post. I know because a comment was left on it and the words used could only come from him. I responded wishing him well and even though I meant that well wish, I don’t really appreciate the comment he left. it was somewhat condescending, maybe I just read it like that but more than that, here’s a person whom I loved dearly, who ripped me to shreds last time we spoke, who in essence stole from me by not returning my belongings, and he had a bit of nerve commenting on my blog. I mean, it is a public blog and anyone can comment and yes, my post was an open apology to those I may have hurt and with that apology, I extend forgiveness towards those who hurt me, so he is forgiven but he didn’t need to leave a comment and why the hell is he reading my blog anyway? does he feel remorse over how he treated me? is he trying to rekindle the relationship? what the hell does he want? after how terribly he berated me and after refusing to return my computers, why does he even care to read my blog? if he reads this post, and gets this far, this is my message directly to him:

you hurt me terribly over things you found wrong and you were entitled to your opinion but you were not entitled to punish me by keeping my things. I don’t believe you did what you said you would do with them. I believe you eventually sold them and kept the money because you of all people know what they were worth. more than the cost of the items you kept, you stole from a single mom and I eventually bought a new laptop but economically can’t afford to replace what you kept with items of equal value. moreover, you took a self righteous stance when you yourself are no saint. so my forgiveness towards you is still valid. I forgive you, truly, but I don’t want to ever have you back in my life so if ever I cross your mind, if you’re actually reading this now, know, your presence is neither necessary or wanted in my life. I forgive you and today, I choose to forget you.

moving on to what was actually the spark that caused this post:

recently, a guy called me. he used to date a friend of mine and maintained a friendship with her that would sometimes turn romantic. he recently posted a picture of his current girlfriend on instagram calling her his wife. a few days later he called me looking for my friend. she changed her number and didn’t give him the new number on purpose, to cut ties with him. I received his call cordially but didn’t relay that her intention is to not communicate with him anymore. he asked me to tell her to call him. I know what his intentions are from his past behavior. he wants to keep her on the side and cheat on his girl with her. that pissed me off. my friend is a wonderful person and deserves more respect than that. I related this to her and she agreed and felt hurt and grateful that I too saw through him. she thanked me for defending her. it got me thinking.

“damn. I should defend myself as much, if not more, than I defended her.”

I still spoke to the married guy and even though we ended the relationship, I still longed for him. he still filled my head with ideas and I still wanted him. I even dated someone else for about two months to try to get over him but ended that relationship and called the married guy again. I knew it would only be a matter of time before we were back at it again, and that was stirring up all these old feelings again. love, remorse, guilt, anger, resentment. I knew talking to him was tempting and wrong but I did so anyway. we even met up for a hot make-out session. when I had defended her, it made me mad at myself for not doing the same for myself in regards to him.

I’m more valuable than how he treats me.

I deserve to be more than a “side chick” or “back up plan.”

he could never give me what I feel I deserve in life and love.

I would always doubt him even if he did leave his wife for me.

I would always feel sad/pain over her sadness and pain.

so today, I blocked his number. today I made a promise to myself. I’ll never speak to him again. my feelings for him are too intense, even today, and I know I’m weak, too weak to stay friends. to him I say the following:

I love you. I’m sorry. we can’t be friends. have a good life and be good to your wife. she’s stood by you and deserves better than you could possibly ever give her, but I hope you try.

in an effort to end this post positively, I have a lot to be grateful and happy about. I have a great relationship now with my daughter’s father. I wouldn’t call him “my friend” but we’re definitely not enemies. I have shelter and am gainfully employed and neither myself or my daughter, ever go hungry. I have very few friends but the ones I have are worthwhile. They don’t use up all of my energy without reciprocation and they are kind and caring to my daughter and I. I’m single, by choice, but I’m happy with that. I feel at ease by myself, no pressure to be this or that for someone. I can just be myself and MYSELF is something I’m finally happy with. I love myself, I know myself, and I am working on making myself better each day than I was the day before. this is something I can say that I am actually accomplishing. I have learned how to be more discerning in regards to who I keep in my inner circle and do not regret the loss of friendships from my past. if they were meant to be in my life today, they would be and if they’re not, it is for a valid reason and I hope they stay gone. I don’t need my past to come tumbling into my present and detract me from my wonderful and amazing future. I value this moment, it is so wonderful and awesome to be in. as time pushes forward and I continue to grow and learn, I know one day I will be laying on my death bed smiling, with next to no regrets. I’ve let go of all that baggage. This post contains a few of those bags, and in clicking post, I’ve let go of them too.

Dayna Morales, Let Me Tip You!

Dayna Morales, Let Me Tip You!

I read a story on MSN this morning that turned my stomach and while I normally try to keep it positive on here, I felt the need to post this up. I plan on contacting this restaurant and hopefully speaking to this server or her manager. I feel the need to make amends to her on behalf of these ignorant people. 


What angers me about this whole thing is that they didn’t need to do that. When they sat down and saw that she was gay, they could have asked to be served by someone else or asked to be re-seated in another server’s area. They didn’t need to make her serve them, for however long they were there, only to not leave her a tip and leave that ignorant note. Disgusted isn’t even the appropriate way for me to describe how reading this made me feel. I feel like she deserves a reward for putting up with that. Maybe a campaign can be started where people donate 20% of the bill to her. If enough people donate 20% then maybe she can go on a cruise. She waits tables so she probably can’t afford a nice trip.  



I don’t need to be served by you. I don’t need to even meet you. I’m so sad and angry that you were treated like this, I will send you 20% of that bill as your tip. 





doing NOTHING is sometimes SOMETHING

so in an effort to gain insight from as many possible avenues, I spoke to my young friend Melissa last night about my situation at work. she’s only 26 but the girl is extremely smart and she’s a really good friend she told me to not say anything. she said, ” saying anything at all, no matter what you say, is wrong. even apologizing is wrong because you did nothing wrong.” she went on to say that she had encountered similar situations and dealt with each differently. she went one by one describing the instances, in the worst she tossed a hot cup of coffee on her boss for being a jerk, and in another she simply took the high road and did what she told me to do. of all the situations she described, the one with the best outcome is the one where she did nothing. she didn’t know it at the time, but her doing nothing was actually something! she accepted what she had no control over and in doing so, she let go of the ill feeling it gave her, and was at peace. in the first situation, her reaction caused discord and since the ego thrives on discord it was ego driven act.

I don’t want to be ego driven!

so, I’m going to listen to her. I’m not going to say anything. I will stay silent and in my silence, I am making a statement. by not saying anything, I manage to stay on my wavelength. if I say what I said I would say, that’s coming from an egoic place. I don’t need to inform her of her unconsciousness. let her be, that’s what I’ll do. I don’t need to apologize for confusing her with someone who was awake. this is my mistake and my problem, just like her taking offense and speaking ill of me is her problem. just like I should not concern myself with how she feels about me, I should not concern her with how I feel about her.

after speaking at length about this situation with a friend who not only loves me but respects me and who also comes to me when she needs advice or a listening ear, I unburdened myself some and got a clearer perspective of the whole situation. sometimes that’s all you need. is someone outside of the situation to shed light on it.

so since I now know what I am going to do, which is nothing, I am at peace with the situation and it is no longer a pressing matter. should she come to talk to me at any time in the future, I will simply smile and reply. I will not tell her how she made me feel nor will I entertain any conversation of a confrontational nature. should she try to broach the subject, I will simply put my hand up in a halting gesture and say, “please, don’t bring me down. I’m at peace.” and end the conversation. I have no need to hash anything out with her for her benefit because from this moment forward, it is a nonissue for me. should she choose to hold onto it, that’s her burden.

I am free of it.



NYCTAPER.COM is super duper dope!!!

my favorite website is and my favorite artist is mike doughty. if you go to that website and search his name, you’ll find shows of his from earlier this year that were recorded and posted for listeners like me and you to enjoy. I went to both of those shows and you can actually hear me shouting in both recordings. what I love about these recordings over the albums are the crowd’s reactions to songs when they start. for example, at the city winery show on July 31st, he sings Sunken Eyed Girl. it’s the eleventh song he sings but it’s the fifteenth track on the recording due to “banter.” when the song starts the crowd is silent but then they recognize the song after the first lyrics and they all scream and shout. I love it. every time I hear it, I listen for my voice which I recognize throughout but when the entire crowd rouses a collective whoop, no matter how many times I listen to the recordings, I get goosebumps. so yeah, if you want to hear some good tunes, go to they records shows throughout NYC and they have many great shows to listen to there. I personally only ever listen to mike, but that’s cause I can’t stop listening to him. believe me, I’ve tried and I just can’t!!! lol. I love him. not like in love, just love. I’m so grateful to the universe that he exists, that he sings, and that I can hear, and can enjoy him. he’s sooooooo awesome!!!

THAT’S RACIST!!!! cried the racist…

it’s not easy to stay conscious in an unconscious world. at times it seems like there is always something or someone trying to bring you down. what is a person to do when someone is trying to bring you down to their level? it’s seems that when you’re on a path that is positive, negative forces are constantly trying to bring you down.

I’m not a religious person but my mom is. she would always say that when you seek god that the devil will come into your life to try to block you. even though I’m not religious, I feel there is some truth to this, on an energy or consciousness level.

you see, I met someone who I really liked. their energy was positive and it attracted me. their laugh was infectious and they seemed to be soaring high in regards to consciousness, and so I identified with this person because I felt a level of kinship with them. they were like me, or appeared to be, so I liked them. shoot, our bloodlines even come from the same Caribbean island, me being Dominican and them being Haitian. I even told this person on several occasions that they were my favorite person in my office and how just hearing their laugh would make me laugh and I didn’t even need to know what they were laughing about.

(I like everyone regardless of the energy they emit. I know each of us is our own micro universe and some are stormy and others are not. that’s cool to me and I treat everyone the same.)

in the last few weeks their behavior has changed. they ignore me or only speak to me in two words or a glance. I know why they’re doing this but I don’t understand it. they’ve taken offense to me or something I said or did and I know exactly what it was. I have not apologized because I don’t feel like I have to. if you stand by your actions, you live unapologetically. if people take offense to you, that’s their problem, not yours. if people speak ill of you, again, that’s their problem, not yours. it means they have hang ups and that is their problem, again, not yours. I know exactly what caused the shift in their energy towards me but I don’t own their energy and I won’t apologize for their choice.

let me explain a little further. yesterday I posted “Why are you offended?” in that post I describe what getting offended implies. it means that the ego is in control of the offended person. conscious people don’t get offended because they take nothing personally. things like age, sex, sexual orientation, race, creed, religion, are not things that offend the conscious individual. we know these things as external mind or ego made constructs.

one by one:
age- this doesn’t matter to the conscious individual because age implies time and conscious people are not time obsessed people. age is also external. our bodies age but our souls do not. our life experiences grow with time but our souls are the same today as they were when we were born. age is simply something we humans use as a tool because for some things it matters, like the age in which we should get screened for certain cancers or the age we enter school. otherwise, all age is is a counter. it tells you how many times a body has traveled around the sun. it is the reason I don’t wish people a happy birthday. I instead congratulate them for successfully making it around the sun. it seems more fitting than happy birthday.

sex- this also doesn’t matter. this, like age, only refers to your body. your body has a sex, male or female but your soul doesn’t have genitalia. it is neither male or female. sure, they say this world is run by men but men came from women so this is all relative.

sexual orientation- another factor that is of absolutely no consequence to a conscious individual. these are labels we create to separate ourselves from others. personally I don’t believe in this. I have dated both genders and gender benders. does this make me gay? by straight standards yes. by “gay” standards no. for one group I’m not straight enough and for the other I’m not gay enough. in any event, a person’s sexual orientation is of no importance to a conscious individual because who a person sleeps with or what gender they identify with doesn’t determine a persons consciousness or the depth of their soul.

race- like with age and sex, race is unimportant to the conscious person. we see it for what it is. determined simply by genetics and the location on this planet that your blood line comes from. a soul has no race. a soul is a soul. it doesn’t have skin so skin color isn’t important. a soul doesn’t have a language or a nationality. people who are unconscious put a lot of importance on things like race but focusing on race is just separatism.

creed- same here as with age sex and race.

religion- this is simply just a line drawn in the proverbial sand. what is religion? the belief that there is a higher power, heaven and hell, or perhaps neither depending on the beliefs of that faith. what is it? the way you pray, the food you eat? tradition, something handed down from generation to generation? in my opinion, religion is like sexual orientation. it is a label that comes with rules and those who adhere to one religious label over another will adhere to the rules that apply to that particular label. it is just a form of separatism.

so a few weeks back, it was on the news that a young man went to Barney’s department store in Manhattan to purchase a belt. everything in that store is super expensive and he had saved up his money to buy this particular belt because his favorite rapper wore the same belt. he goes to the store, buys the belt using his debit card and wound up getting arrested. the store clerk had racially profiled him and assumed that there was no way he could afford the belt unless he had stolen the card he was charging it to. after his arrest and ensuing investigation, it was learned that he had indeed purchased the belt legally using his own money and was released with no charges. this young man is suing the department store now. the following day, it happened again at the same store only this time the shopper was a young woman and she was purchasing an expensive purse. like the young man, she had saved up her money for the purse she wanted only to find herself in handcuffs due to the legitimate purchase. both of these people happen to be black, African American, or whatever PC term you choose to use.

these two situations were the talk of my office. we joked about it, questioned why these two people would care to make such flagrant purchases. we wondered where their priorities were. didn’t they have more important things to spend their money on? we joked that we should all go to the store and make a purchase. we joked that none of us could afford anything in that store and we’d have to pool our money. this group of “jokers” were all shades, and by that I mean we were “white,” “black,” “Hispanic,” and even “Chinese!” we were laughing and joking and I suggested to one of the girls that we go together. one other girl said that she and her boyfriend were going to go together and that we should tag along. there was a lot of laughing and joking going on, all of us saying the silliest things and even pretending we were in the store. we put on our deepest best ghetto girl accents. said words like “aks” instead of “ask” and even pretended to complain about the prices. I mean, we were all being completely ridiculous and it was all fun and games. everything is all fun and games until someone gets offended. the funny thing is, the one person who became offended is the person I least expected it from. and mind you, she only took offense to me and my jokes which were of the same level of idiocy as the girl who said she’d be going with her boyfriend. the only difference between what was said was the skin color of who said it. I’m Hispanic and my skin color is not black. the girl with the boyfriend is Jamaican and she is black and the girl who became offended is Haitian so she too is black.

shortly after this laugh fest ended, I happened to over hear the Haitian girl and another lady talking. “that’s racist” one said to the other. when they saw me they quickly changed the subject. I wasn’t born yesterday. I also am very sensitive to energy fields. I felt an oppressive energy and I saw the way they looked at me and I knew it was me they were talking about. this was over two weeks ago and the Haitian girl who I would never expected that from has been silent and distant towards me. this is someone I spoke to everyday for months. I’m not stupid. I know why she’s upset with me but I’m NOT going to apologize. I will not apologize for a double standard I didn’t create.

so check it, what this boils down to is this:

“I’m black, so I can make black jokes. you’re not black, so you can’t and if you do, you’re racist.”

can anyone explain the logic behind this?

doesn’t this imply that the person making this statement is in fact the racist? think about it for a second. if you, make a statement like this, aren’t you implying that a persons skin color determines what they can and can’t say? also, if you make a statement like this, aren’t you drawing a line in the sand and separating yourself from others on the superficial basis of race? isn’t that racism? please! explain this to me because I seem to have missed that day in school where racism was defined. as far as I know, racism is when people separate themselves from other people based on skin color or national origin.

example: the KKK hates anyone who isn’t white. that’s racism.

so wouldn’t it be considered racism as well to delineate what a person can and can’t say based on the color of their skin? and if so, wouldn’t that mean that the person or persons crying out “that’s racist” are racist themselves? what am I missing?

by ignoring me as a result of this “offense” this individual has proven to me who the real racist is. by ignoring me they have proven how ignorant they are themselves. by taking offense to this they have shown me how unconscious they are because if they were conscious, this would not have offended them.

I refuse to apologize. I will not apologize for this because I am not guilty of doing something that everyone else hadn’t done. her behavior changed towards me and me alone. none of the “black” girls that took part in the joking have been treated differently, only I have. the real racist in this the one crying out “racism!”

I know myself and I am not racist. I treat everyone exactly the same, regardless of race, and I don’t appreciate racism in the slightest. I will not apologize for this because I am not racist. to apologize would mean I am taking responsibility for something I am not. moreover, I am not in control of anyone else’s feelings, only my own. I can not take responsibility over how she feels. that is her problem, not mine.

so how do I deal with this? that’s my question now. how do I deal with someone who has shown themselves to be unconscious from a conscious stand point?

in Eckhart Tolle’s book, A New Earth, I read that when you encounter a situation like this, you should not react. you should accept it for what it is and not react. that’s fine in theory but in application, there is difficulty. I understand that reacting would be allowing my ego to act. if I react as she has, I am making myself the same as her and I am not that way. if I take offense to her actions, I’ve lowered my consciousness and have allowed ego to take control of my emotions. how do I deal with this from a conscious level? this is my dilemma.

I’ve put a lot of thought into this. in a way, I am pleased with her reaction because it has shown me who she really is. how do I deal with her when she decides she’s over it?

I don’t want to respond from my ego. I want to respond from a place of consciousness. if she expects an apology from me, she won’t get one because I do not feel apologetic and I won’t apologize for something I am not responsible for. I will not apologize for her egoic reaction, something for which I have no control.

so last night I decided what it is I would say to her when she decides she’s over it.

I plan on saying the following:

.1330955190639_3722842 im-offended-15848 fry

time obsessed vs consciousness

Eckhart Tolle says that humans are time obsessed beings. we create our identities from our past and place all good things in our future which causes our present lives to be sad and full of turmoil. he says it’s best to let go of the past so that it doesn’t define you and to stop placing the good in our lives in front of us because we will never reach the future. all we have is NOW so we need to acknowledge it, respect and honor it, because when we do that, we open ourselves up to all of the blessings the universe has to offer.

while it is some of the best advice I have ever come across, putting it into practice can be difficult at times because the past has a funny way of coming back to haunt you.

as we grow and live we come across people and situations that we label good or bad. sometimes people and situations that we label good become bad, or bad becomes good. a lot of times, we don’t recognize the change until it has hits us dead in the face because we often times go through life with blinders on and we don’t pick up on the signs that the universe drops in our path to wake us up. we’re so caught up with living that we don’t compute things as they come but instead wait until all the numbers are dropped so we can add them all up. and when things don’t add up it leaves us looking for answers and confused. sometimes it even leads to bitterness, anger or regret.

when this happens, we are not present. we’ve allowed outside influences to affect us internally and take our presence away. it isn’t easy to stay present all the time. we can try but there will always be something or someone capable of bringing you out of the present and crashing back to the past or flinging us into the unknown future. this isn’t our fault. we’ve been conditioned into this M.O. by our parents, friends, education system, the economy, television, the news, etc. we don’t even know we do this until someone points it out, usually it’s someone more conscious than you that does it.

I first came across a “pointer” shortly before leaving my daughter’s father for last time. our relationship was horrible, very seldom was it good and I suffered a great deal through it. I came across a very popular book which had been suggested to me many times before but which I discounted as new age mumbo jumbo. I am not the type to buy into hype so I never read the book. then in the months surrounding the break up I came across the title while searching for a new book via my Nook E-reader.

the book’s name is The Secret.

I know I know. how hokey? right? well, despite this, I read the book and I felt an automatic shift in my consciousness. I did some of the things the book suggested. in it, it says to write down what you want and to forget about the note. put it away and don’t look at it again. so I did. I wrote many many notes. on one I wrote, “universe, remove ‘A’ from my life in any way you deem fit” and on another I wrote “universe, please allow me to acquire a better paying job” and so on and so forth. my bedroom wall had post it’s stuck to it with all kinds of messages. “2013 is YOUR year” one read or “it is only when you’ve lost everything that you are free to do anything.”

this was last year towards the end of February. the following months were really tough. the relationship ended badly and he took me to court to take our daughter from me. I was not going to take it lying down and I looked for help and got it. I fought back hard and I won, thankfully. and then, last November I received a letter with a job offer to work for the state. I took the job and am making more money now.

it’s a year later and I sit on my train going home and I marvel at how reading that one book catapulted my life in the exact direction I wanted. I remember cleaning out my desk at my old job and finding the note about removing my daughter’s father from my life. the universe responded. I also found the note about a better job and thought “wow! this really works!” this past year, almost two years, has proven to me that this really works!

when I first came across Eckhart Tolle it was via a picture with a quote of his. I thought “How cool! I love it!” and then a week later while working my field, I passed a book seller who had both of his books for sale. I took it as a sign. I’d never heard of him until the week prior and here I was buying his books. I read them like I do all the books I read, totally engrossed. like with The Secret, his words resounded inside of me. it has further awakened me to my elevated consciousness.

I’m not perfect. I’m not meant to be. I will fail and I will succeed. it is what it is but now I know how better to deal with these things. I don’t let my ego control me anymore, or at least, it isn’t always in control of me. sometimes I still fail but that’s normal and I won’t knock myself for it. like with anything, riding a bike for instance, it requires patience and practice. if you want to ride a bike, be prepared to fall from it a few times, you may even get hurt. but you don’t give up. you climb back on it and you find your balance and you pedal like hell was chasing you and before long it becomes second nature. that’s how this works. being conscious and staying conscious takes practice and patience. there will be times you fail, times where your conditioned time obsession forces you into the past or future but the key is to notice this when it happens and to regulate it so that it happens less and less until eventually it becomes second nature.

I hope to one day be completely free of my ego and to control my emotions from a place of presence at all times. I am certain that day will come and is just around the bend.

but wait, isn’t that part of my conditioning? placing my awakened self in my future?

it is. there. you see what we do right there. placing good things ahead of us.

so let me rephrase that.

right now, at this moment, I am conscious.

right now, I am aware.

this is all that really matters.

I’m out.