goodbye 2012 and all my haters! I love you!!!

so today is the eve of the new year and I’m looking forward to all that this new year may bring. I have really gone through a lot this past year and sh!t if you go way back, since 2009.

my life took some pretty crazy twists and turns since then. I was faced with many life changing decisions.

for starters, I’ve learned who my friends were since 2009.

I used to be the type of person who ran with a clique. I had a posse. I couldn’t count all of my regular everyday friends on both hands. today, I can count them all on one hand with one or two fingers to spare. as I went through this, heart broken and disgruntled, I felt angry and defrauded.

how could I not know that the people I loved most were only haters in disguise!!??

how could I be so foolish?!

I despised myself for being duped for so long by people who I looked at as my sisters and brothers from other mothers.

oh well, this is life and it happens to the best of us.

I know this much is true:

the people who I’ve 86’d since 2009 were people who I was good to. these were people who I took care of and loved tenderly. these were people who I’d have walked a thousand miles barefoot through broken glass for. with that said, I can honestly say I was someone who benefitted them via my friendship with them and they lost me, not the other way around.

in other words, I won!

I got to walk away with my head held high because I never harmed them and was always the best person I could be to them. they’re who let me down and they’re the ones who have to live with it. I’m sure since then, they’ve found themselves in need of someone like me but looked around and found no one because like me, there exists no other.

this is not conceit I’m exhibiting. these are the facts as I see them.

what’s really funny is that I’m 100% sure that some of them read this blog in hopes of spying on me and seeing me fall. people like these rejoice in the misfortune of others and well, I’m thoroughly happy that the Universe has seen it fit to bless me with success after success because as they say, the best way to get even with your enemies is to be more successful than them.

of course, they aren’t the reason I strive to be successful. my beautiful daughter is. I know when she gets older that I will be a good role model. she’ll look at her mama and know that I busted my ass to get where I am and that she has all she has because I made it happen! she’ll grow up to be a strong and independent woman just like me and that will truly be the reward I’m looking for after all my struggles. I pray daily that God watch over her like He has done me. if He watches over her half as much as He did me, I know she’ll be ok in this life.

so as I take a moment to reflect on the last few years, I bid adieu to all my haters and wish them nothing but the best in life. I pray for blessings upon them and their children. I know you’re reading this and scowling but I smile genuinely and I impart to you the memory of my smile. and while your stomach turns and your throat fills with bile, I offer you my forgiveness. I forgive you for devaluing my friendship, for taking my kindness for weakness and taking advantage of my generosity. like me, you’ll never find another friend and that truly makes me sad for you. I’m sorry that you lost me. I hope 2013 brings you someone like me. I also hope that you become better people so you never treat another poor kind soul how you treated me.

I shed my old skin and fly into the new year like a butterfly. I am beautiful. I am majestic. I am unstoppable. as long as I hold onto my faith, and allow positivity to flow through me, into me and out of me, I KNOW that I have nothing to fear or worry about. my wants and needs are all met by the Most High Holy Creator of the Universe and all things therein. I am blessed.

be blessed.
bless others.
bless bless.

happy new year 2013!!!

brushing off my shoulders, pimp style. I take my bow and exit stage left. it’s a new page. it’s a new act. this life is like a play and you are your life’s protagonist! play your role right!!! one day, your whole life will flash before your eyes. make sure you live a life worth watching!!! no shame!

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today is my last day at Sabrett

so today is my last day at my current job. I’ll be starting my government job tomorrow. I’m sad to leave my current job. those people treated me so good. I know I’ll be crying my ass off today so I won’t be applying any mascara. lol. funny how attached you get to people you work with and for. I’m up extra early to get pretty for work today. I want them to remember me looking nice and I want to take pics with all, if not, most of them. wow. I thought I’d work there forever. I guess all good things have to come to an end eventually. can’t wait to start my new job but I’m extremely sad to leave my current job. life waits for no one and I’m surely not going to let it pass me by. so fortunate! so blessed! thank you God!!!

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so it has been a little while since i posted…

and i just want to say, it hasn’t been because i had nothing happening in my life worth writing about. in fact, it’s been just the opposite and i really just haven’t had the time to pen anything. besides that, so much has happened that i don’t even know where to begin. i guess i’ll just dive in!

for starters, I GOT THE JOB! i had posted about being offered a job within the state government and i interviewed for it, had my fluency in spanish tested and passed with flying colors. shit, if i had failed that exam, there would have been something seriously wrong seeing as i have been speaking spanish longer than i’ve been speaking english! i’m sad to leave my current job because i had truly grown to love it here. i’ve worked for Sabrett for the last year and a half. if you’re from New York, or been here on vacation, you know Sabrett. they are only on about every street corner in Manhattan and sold in every Papaya Dog or Grey’s Papaya in the city. they’re the #1 hot dog, and that’s not being said because i worked here, they really truly are the best god damned hot dogs ever made. but more than working for such a NYC staple, i really loved my position as Office Manager here. i loved the plant workers and they loved me. never failed to bring me gifts from their home countries whenever they came back from vacation. they even threw me a birthday party back in March and i hadn’t even made a year here when they did that for me. as the news has spread throughout the plant of my impending departure, people have come to me with tears in their eyes, asking me to please not leave. i explain to them the job offer and the pay increase and they certainly understand why i made my decision to leave but they are none the happier about it. i loved my bosses. sure bosses can be a bit much at times but we had a really good repore. my boss G.P. was the one who went to bat for me, getting me my retainer and my other boss P.V. found me the lawyer. if it weren’t for this company, the outcome of my recent custody/child support battle, would not have worked out as favorably for me. i will be forever grateful to this company for what they did for me and i will never forget my time here as it truly was one of the best jobs i’ve ever had. i’m sad, truly sad to leave, but i’m sure i’ll be able to dry my tears with the ten thousand more dollars i’ll be making a year!!!!

then there was my brother, coming to New York for the first time in years. he and i had a not so great relationship growing up and i dreaded his arrival. i’m sorry to say that but i truly did. i thought i would encounter the same person i knew growing up but he was so different this time around and he needed me so much that i feel like i finally have the brother i never had before. he was going through a personal struggle, having recently been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and he was battling such a mixed array of emotions, from loss of his home and family in Florida, to unease about what the future held for him, to missing the bejeezus out of his baby son down there. his outlook on life was far from positive and i would sit with him and tell him how easy it could be to change his frequency if only he put a miniscule amount of effort into it, the universe would respond. as he listened to my advice, he likened it to scriptures and compared my current outlook on how Christ led his life. a compliment to say the least but still, it showed he was really listening. i told him he had the power to acquire anything and everything he desired if only he learned to focus his thoughts on the prize and trust that he would reach it. while here, he and his girlfriend (and hopefully future wife) reconciled and he came to me saying he really wanted to go home. he didn’t have any money for a ticket and asked if i’d help him get back home. i did. i bought him his ticket and helped him get to the bus stop and sent him back home smiling. he came here defeated and left ready for victory and i can’t say it was all my doing but i will ackowledge my influence a tad and thank the universe for allowing me the ability to help my brother when he needed me most. i fought back tears as i loaded him onto the bus and hugged him tightly. i apologized for dreading his arrival and told him how grateful i was to have had the chance to breath new life into our relationship. i thanked him for being my brother and he thanked me for being his sister and where we once thought we had no sibling, now we both know that we do!

court! this truly deserves its own entry but i just don’t have the energy to go all the way back to when this started and recount how things went down. besides, there is a lot of anger and frustration involved in the retelling of this story and i don’t want to dwell on those types of emotions. what i will say is this, I WON!!! i am the sole legal custodian of my most precious daughter and he now has to pay child support and ask my permission to do anything with her. i never denied him his daughter before and i certainly will not start doing so now but it does feel good to have all the power. i make all of the decisions regarding her welfare and he takes the back seat. in a perfect world, our relationship would have been stellar and we’d be raising her together but this is not a perfect world. as her mother, i must ensure her happiness and more than that, i must ensure she gets all the things she needs in life. his inability to assist me in her financial needs before was troubling as all things were left for me to handle. usually that meant i spent everything i had on her and nothing on me. i lacked simple things like bras, new sneakers when the ones i was wearing wore down, and pretty much all of my personal basics. my daughter always came first, even if that meant i couldn’t eat lunch or had to hop the train to get to work. i did what i had to do because she didn’t ask to come here, i wanted her. now, he has no choice in the matter and my lawyer definitely crucified him in court. i’m not an evil person though, and i don’t rejoice in his failure. i ceded on some things to favor him because i wanted him to see that my aim was never to keep him from her, but to simply make sure he took good care of her when he had her. after going through this ordeal, he has become a better father. he truly does love our little girl and i’m glad that he finally understands how important it is for him to be there for her. he and i actually get along now, which is truly all i ever wanted. here’s the funny part, now he wants me back! i find it funny because he has no chance in hell. after all he put me through i’d be a fool to take him back. i’d also be extremely embarrassed. people would think i was crazy and i would certainly be certifiable if i did take him back. besides, i’m in love.

the man i’m in love with is the most amazing person i have ever been with in my entire life. he embodies everything i ever wanted in a man. he is kind, loving, tender, generous. he is a provider, a confidant, a listener. he is intelligent, literate, verbose. he is handsome and tall and well….let’s just make this really simple:

HE IS THE BEST MAN I HAVE EVER HAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i love him so much. more than i have ever loved any man before. he is my second most favorite person, and he is only second because my daughter is my most favorite person alive. i ask myself how i could be so lucky but i don’t have an answer to that question. all i know is that i love him and i know with all of my heart that he loves me. he does everything to show it and even calls my daughter his daughter, without ever having met her yet. he wants to win her heart and that takes time, but i know he is fully capable of doing so because my heart was not an easy win but he has it completely. 436

so yeah, a lot has happened since my last post and there is a lot that will be happening in this coming year. i’ve been saying for months now how 2013 was going to be my year!!! it is certainly shaping up to be so and it hasn’t even started yet. before i close this post, i would like to express my gratitude.

Thank You Heavenly Creator, mover of mountains, parter of seas! Thank You Lord of the Universe, Thank You for all of Your Blessings. I am so grateful! Thank You for deeming me worthy of Your many countless Blessings. You have removed enemies from my circles. You have blessed me with honest and good friends. You have rebuilt relationships within my family. You have rained Your Blessings on everyone I know and love. You have reminded me of the Beauty contained in this Wonderful Life and I see it now where once I only saw darkness. You have opened doors for me when I needed them! You have provided for all of my needs, wants and desires. You, Creator of the Heavens and the Earth and all things Herein, are Forever Merciful and Caring. Thank You Father God, I will forever be grateful! AMEN! ASE!