dodging bullets

should I get this serious here?
yeah, eff it, I will.

real talk: do you know your HIV status?

these days, there’s no excuse not to. it takes thirty minutes for your results to come back and it’s free. you can do it at any emergency room throughout the city (and I imagine beyond), any clinic, or your doctor’s office. not knowing your status because testing isn’t available to you is no longer a valid excuse and it hasn’t been one for a very long time. it doesn’t matter if you’ve had many partners or a few, used protection all the time or never, or maybe were only careless a few times, go find out your status. if you’re scared of the results, think how much scarier it is to live with the fear of not knowing. isn’t it better to just know? there’s a sense of relief in knowing.

proudly, I know my status. I’m HIV negative and I’d like to keep it that way. I go yearly to get checked and more often if I feel a bit paranoid. yes, I admit, it is something I obsess over. I was a wild one, lost one, for a long time and in many ways still am (although motherhood definitely tamed me). I remember when I was younger, the results took two weeks to come back. that was two weeks of hell. that was nightmares and anxiety and then D-day would come and I’d go get my results and take huge deep sigh of relief and thank heaven for letting me dodge another bullet that time. and it wasn’t that I was completely careless or anything like that. I’m just an obsessive person when it comes to certain things and that’s just always been one of them. I think it’s MTVs The Real World’s fault. I was only like 14, not even having sex yet but soon to try it, when they had that season with Puck and Pedro. that might even have been their first season. Pedro had AIDS and that show really affected me. up until then, as exposed to life as I was, this disease hadn’t been really fed to me the way it was on that show. I lost my virginity later that same year so my brain has somehow pinned these two experiences together and voilà: anxiety ridden obsession! so there you have it. for me knowing my status is a compulsion. it’s like the junkie looking for that next fix. I crave that sigh of relief when I get back negative results. not so much because I’ve been careless but because that shit is like the lotto, but not in a good way. you never know.

HIV is nothing to be careless about. speak to anyone who has it and they’ll all say the same.

so if you don’t know, or maybe it’s been a while since you last checked, and maybe you added a few notches to your bedpost since then, maybe stopped using protection with your ex and God only knows what they were up to when you weren’t looking; go find out.

no excuses.


(these are not actually my results. they’re my partner’s results from earlier this month. I was tested not long ago too but didn’t have a pic of those results to post so I posted his.)


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