so, as the title implies, I feel overwhelmed right about now. I have a lot on my plate and I try not to complain because this is life, no? it’s not supposed to be easy but does it have to be this hard?
I know I have many things to be thankful for and tomorrow being thanksgiving, I guess that should be my focus. so here’s my attempt at expressing my feelings right now without sounding like I’m complaining and while expressing gratitude for my stress and strife.
I have a brother who isn’t well. he needs help and came back home on Thursday of last week after being gone for many years. I felt an immediate sense of dread at learning he was coming back and saw this as something negative. despite this, when I first saw him after so many years, I hugged him tightly and decided that I would do my best to be there for him, even though we were never that close to begin with. he has issues, is bipolar and is a bit delusional. it hurts my heart to see him like this and it’s hard for me to deal with but I’m trying. he expressed to my mom how surprised he is at how I’ve received him. he’s grateful and that makes me feel like I’m doing the right thing. I want to help him. I really do but I also don’t want to enable him. not only that but the dude drinks milk like it’s going out of style and while I used to buy a gallon of milk every two days, since his arrival a week ago, it’s been a gallon a day! I can’t afford it. he came home sick with some kind of bug and I’ve been buying soup and meds and this and that and I just can’t do it. my money is for my daughter and while I know it’s my place to help, I just don’t want him or my mom to think I’m some bottomless money pit. no. he needs to get a job ASAP. I can’t support him and my mom and my daughter while still managing to pay bills and shit. I can’t. it’s just too much weight on my shoulders but I’ll keep trying to do as much as I can because, well, we’re family.
I’m tired a lot lately. working too hard and not going to bed early. my daughter is a handful and after having caught croup, she won’t be able to go off with her dad for at least a week until she is 100% better and won’t get her cousins sick. I love her and love spending time with her, of course but, I look forward to the moments of reprieve I get when he takes her because then I can relax. no relaxing this week but I AM her mother and she doesn’t belong anywhere but with me when she isn’t feeling well. amen to that.
I feel like my family’s guard dog. whenever anything goes wrong or needs fixing, it’s me they turn to. I’ve got cellphones in my name for my mom and aunt. I’m taking care of my mom, and brother now on top of myself and Melody. I just wish I could take a break and let other people worry about things but no one else is capable of doing what I do, so I can’t.
I guess I’m grateful to be the one. I’m grateful that my family knows they can count on me. that no matter what the situation, I am loyal to my blood and will be there for them. I’m grateful for my strength, even though I feel it waning, I pray for more so I can persevere.
right now, I’m in a cab, on my way home and I feel like crying. I have so much on my plate and I really don’t know how I’ll deal with it all. I’m trying. it’s all I can do but I once heard this phrase at a 12-step meeting. it went “if you’re trying you’re dying.” I know they meant that in reference to kicking some habit but I feel like that right now. I feel like I’m dying from all this trying and I feel weak and tired.
if you’re reading this right now, please send me some positive energy. please pray for me, for my family, and especially for my brother. I don’t know what else to say. I hate complaining.