escalator etiquette

ok, pet peeve time.

I don’t know if it is like this everywhere but wherever I go, if there is an escalator, I’ve noticed there is something I like to call “Escalator Etiquette.”

let me break this down for you:

when people board the escalator, they form two lines. the right line stands on the escalator and rides it up like a ride in an amusement park. these people are obviously not in any kind of rush, so they courteously move as far right as possible to allow people like myself, who are always rushing, to walk up the left side of the escalator. this seems to work and everyone seems to know this. no memo was ever sent out but it is how it is everywhere I go.


when this happens, I hear Ludacris’s song “Move Bitch, Get Out The Way” start in my head and my inner assassin starts doing back flips while sharpening its sword! omg! I seriously would like to crack open these people’s skulls and check to see if they have a whole brain or only half of one. they can’t have a whole brain because we humans are just animals and deep down we have herd mentality. even if you’ve never been on an escalator before, when you see that all of the other people on it are riding it a certain way, you’ll more than likely follow their lead, no? why God? why do these people exist!!! is it just to aggravate me???? I swear!!!!

so I get to Parkchester train station to catch my train to work, swipe and walk over to the escalator. the lady in front of me boards the escalator and instead of moving to the right decides she’s gonna park her big ass to left with no one in front of her blocking her way up. she was the blockage!

inside a little teeny tiny voice said “be nice” but a louder stronger voice said “murder her!”

I did neither.

what I did was this.

loudly, in her ear I said, “STAND TO THE RIGHT! WALK UP TO THE LEFT!!”

she turned her head to look at me as if I had five heads while I pushed my way between her rude ass and a polite escalator rider and barreled my way up the escalator.

I hope me yelling at her the rules of escalator etiquette will stick inside her pea sized brain and that the next time her lazy behind gets on an escalator , she will politely stand to the right so speed demons such as myself, can walk up the left. if she doesn’t, I hope that there is someone far worse than me standing behind her to make her learn the rules!!!!

this really gets under my skin so if you ever buy the post and find that the cover story is about a subway rider who murdered another subway rider over “Escalator Etiquette,” well, don’t be surprised if the person who did the killing is me.

so remember, unless you want an insane person like me to either shout in your ear or drag you off the escalator by your hair, practice “Escalator Etiquette.”

rant over!


4 responses to “escalator etiquette

  1. Sound advice, and I feel your pain. I go through the same thing walking down any given street. Maybe if we all write letters to Bloomberg we can get a “Don’t Start a Fight, Stay to the Right” campaign.

    Besides, folks have been stabbed over less pressing matters. And odds are good that most people, when reading about your crime in the Post, will nod and mutter, “Hmph, bitch had it coming. You *always* move to the right.”

    • yes! i’m glad i’m not the only one who thinks like this and i love your campaign slogan! i wonder how much it will cost to run ads that say that on the cities busses and trains!? since an official memo has never truly been sent out, we should get on that!

  2. Oh man, I go ballistic when this happens. I also call out, “Stand on the right, walk on the left!” and then I usually follow it up with, “And I’m not stopping!”

    I’m a big guy. After a few weeks at a new office building, I’d pretty quickly trained everyone.

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