to my heart

how dare you be so enraptured? I hate you for loving so deeply. how dare you after the hurt that you’ve felt? have you no memory of the pain inflicted upon you? upon us! what are you trying to do to me? do you like to see me longing and languishing? does it somehow please you to see your actions hurt me. god damn you for being so flippant yet dedicated. god damn you, you walking contradiction. you suck. I hate you. I hate you for loving. because you love so well. so deep. so real. I hate you for it because I suspect, I’ll end up hurting in the end. and you, you fickle thing, will simply love some one else while I’m left healing the scars and nursing the bruises that your free-loving ass got me. how dare you after we’ve been through so much? if I could, I’d rip you out of my chest and throw you in the gutter, let the rain water wash you into the sewer with the rats and the shit. that’s where you belong. not in my chest. beating. cheating. treating me like a punching bag when things don’t go your way. I hate you for loving you god damned heart. how dare you treat me like you do? I am a vessel. I am your transport. I serve to only move you from place to place, person to person. but you. you use me. you make me go through all this shit and then sit and laugh as the tears fall. god damn you bitch. I hate you heart. I hate you for loving. I love you for loving. but I think I hate you more than I love you because you’re such a selfish little bitch.

to my COSMIC LOVE and all others who care to love….

anyone who knows me knows that i am a music head. i listen to everything under the sun and at this time can only think of one style of music that i abhor and that is reggaeton.

i don’t know what it is about that music that just doesn’t do it for me. perhaps its that all the songs sound exactly the same and they’re all so vulgar and sexualy motivated. ugh. they gross me out and i apologize to any fans of this music because i can’t stand it.

but this post is not about that. this post is about Florence and The Machine’s song “Cosmic Love.” i’ve loved this song for quite some time but i love it even more since yesterday because it has been dedicated to a secret love that i am nurturing despite it being morally wrong. God forgive me. i’m only human and this human being does things to me that i can’t even describe. i can’t find the words, they fail me. so i cheat, and together we chose this song, because it expresses us so well. thank you Father God for the wonderful artists who You have blessed with the talent of penning words and music to describe the realm of their emotions, without which, i would be left speechless.

please click the link below the lyrics so you can enjoy this song too.

TO YOU: (you know who you are) for you, i’ll remain in the darkness. you’ve blinded me once again so that my eyes see only you. to me you are like an avalanche or a tidal wave and i’ll gladly be buried alive or drown, even if it leaves me lifeless, i would rather be so than live without you.

Cosmic Love

A falling star fell from your heart
And landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them
And now it’s left me blind

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I’m always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat
I tried to find the sound
But then it stopped and I was in the darkness
So darkness I became

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I’m always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

I took the stars from my eyes and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I’m always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I’m always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

the fight of my life

back to court today. this is the third court date. I have yet to write about the first or second but that’s simply because this is ongoing and I probably should be tight lipped about it. anything I say about what is happening can’t be thoroughly detailed until after everything is said and done.

my retainer ran out and I’m reluctant to ask my boss for more money even though he said I could. I should, because there’s nothing better than being backed up by a multimillion dollar company BUT I feel like they’ve done more than enough already, what with fronting me the retainer and finding my lawyer for me. I think it’s enough. I guess if I have trouble paying my lawyer I’ll ask for help but until then, I’ll try to pay for it myself. she is cool and she said she would work with me.

no matter what, I’m blessed. I have so much to be grateful for. despite this custody shit, I’m happy.

I’m getting what I deserve, or rather, my daughter is and he’s got no choice now but to do what the courts say. he opened up this can of worms and they’ve gone everywhere and he can’t get them all back in the can if he tried….. well, he could.

all he has to do is walk away. he isn’t doing this because he wants his daughter. he is doing this to hurt me because I finally grew some balls and left him. he’s doing this out of spite. that’s why I say, if he would just walk away, wash his hands, and never look back, this would all go away.

when he served me with custody papers, I was shocked. but my lawyer countered his petition with one of my own. when he started this, he made no attempts to pay child support. in fact, his subpoena made no mention of support. my lawyer trumped his subpoena with one for custody and one for support. he didn’t like that much and I’m sure it boils his blood every time he looks at his pay-stub and he sees the child support deduction.

getting him to help me take care of her for the last two years was always a fight. I couldn’t get him to give me $50 each week and now he has to fork over almost three times that every week. I bet he wishes he’d have just let me be. when I left him, I asked for nothing and still want nothing but I’ll be damned if I just sit back and let him use the courts to take her from me without a fight.

so I’m in this slow ass cab, on my way to the court house, cursing the driver in my head for taking the longest route possible. ugh. I gotta be there like NOW. SHIT! won’t have time to smoke a cig before going in. I should quit anyway.

I’m rambling.

{tbc}

a lot has happened to me since posting last

when I started this blog, I wanted the focus to be on good positive things. unfortunately life does not always comply and a great many mixed blessings have come to pass since I last posted. I’m going to start to write about them now. I’ll still try to post about positive things but I feel the need to just get all of this down.

for a good deal of time, I was in a terribly abusive relationship with a man who wound up also being the father of my most beautiful blessing;

my daughter.

I did what most women do in a situation such as this. I tried to make the relationship work for the child’s sake, but I finally gave up once and for all this past March, shortly before I posted my first post here. I guess when I started this blog, I just wanted to be positive and happy and not dwell or even mention the things going on in my life because I didn’t deem them such. I stopped writing when things in my life got pretty heavy.

things with my daughter’s father deteriorated severely and I moved back in with my mom, across the street from the home I shared with my daughter’s father briefly. despite the close proximity, he never came to see her or offer any type of financial assistance in regards to her basic necessities. me, being the proud person that I am, never asked him for anything. I just went about my business, taking care of my daughter and my mom, working, not even concerning myself with him at all. I didn’t want to be one of those warring “baby momma’s” always harassing the “baby daddy” for this or that. fuck him. if he didn’t want to do them because he should, I wasn’t going to force him.

then one day in June, I come home from work to find he’d gone to family court, filed for custody of our daughter and had had me served with a subpoena. I was pretty shocked considering how he had never taken good care of her when blessed with the opportunity, and it had been this many months since I had ended the relationship and he hadn’t helped me with our daughter at all since then. I couldn’t believe he had the nerve to try to play the good daddy role now and try to take her from me??? I guess I always saw it coming. the years I’d put up with his abuse should have forewarned me of how low he could stoop, but I guess part of me just hoped he would disappear and shrug off all responsibility over our daughter like so many other dead beat dads out there. anything, so I’d never have to deal with him again.

I didn’t really know what I was going to do. since being left to fend for my daughter and myself without his help for so long, I didn’t have any money. I couldn’t afford a lawyer but I knew if I was going to win this fight, I would need a lawyer. I didn’t know if he had one or not, but I knew I wouldn’t be walking into court unarmed. I didn’t know where I was going to get the money so I was pretty worried. I remember the rage I felt boiling inside of me. I paced my mom’s apartment, I smoked like five cigarettes back to back, and then I had an idea!

I had only been working at my current job for about a year. I was just a few weeks shy of my one year anniversary there but something told me to ask my boss for help. I wasn’t sure I’d get it but I knew it couldn’t hurt to ask. my boss is a young guy, about 9 months younger than me, but he’s incredibly smart and driven. I picked up the phone and called him, I started to tell him what was happening and he listened for a bit before cutting me off and saying, “Michelle, what do you need?”

I was stopped short, I had the words on my tongue but couldn’t spit them out. I swallowed hard, took a deep breath and finally I blurted out, “I need a lawyer.”

his response was immediate, short and final.

“Done.”

I exhaled hard. what a relief? but worry crept in me again and I followed with an uneasy, “But I don’t have any money for a lawyer.”

then, to drive what he had just said to me home, he says, “Did I make any mention of money? Don’t worry about this. You’ve done the right thing. I can tell you’re a good mom and you’re a good employee. I am glad you felt you could ask the company for help and we’re not going to turn our backs on an employee who needs help. Let me make some phone calls. Not only will we front you the retainer for your lawyer, but we will find you your lawyer, and if you run out of money, just ask for more.”

I almost cried! my worry, that had felt all consuming right after I read the subpoena and before dialing my boss, was gone. I thanked him profusely, and couldn’t find the words to express my gratitude.

before hanging up with me, he says something to me that made me feel like I was not alone in this battle, and really set me at ease. it was like he wanted me to know how personal he was taking this. he says,

“We’re going to make him pay!”

and so began my custody battle for my daughter.

{tbc}